Blessed Christmas! =)

Hey all!

Just wanna wish all of you a blessed christmas!
I'm suppose to be packing nowwww~! HUGE is tmr and i've not packed! CORRECTION. HUGE is in a few hours time, TODAY and i've not packed!

But i suddenly had this thought, and i felt like 'penning' it down. =)

GIFTS.

when we give, anything at all. Be it presents, be it money, be it random stuffs. When the person we give, dont appreciate it. Or rather, dont show any appreciation or whatsoever, Dont we all feel like.. " Ngeeehhh, i bagi u present, u macam tak appreciate, tahun hadapan, tak nak bagi lagi.*folds arms, HMMPH*! " Dont we do tht? We feel like, "ohhh ok la, be tht way. nxt year no more prezzies for you!" Hahaha deny all u want k. But its only human to feel tht way when u feel like your effort is not appreciated.

I know quite a few people who are like that.
Every time, when i buy them gifts,
#1. When i give, they receive like .. " Ohh kk thx. *put present aside, continue doing their stuff* "
#2. They NEVER use whatever you buy them.
#3. They just dont appreciate lah!

So, to be honest, it can be quite discouraging. Very potong steam and potong semangat one la k. Really. Even just now, i was just thinking about it. " CYKM, why do u still give every year, when you know they just generally dont appreciate gifts?! why do you still waste your time,your money, your effort preparing gifts every year? if they dont appreciate, dont give la? not like they use it anyway? even if they do, not like they appreciate it anyways? well, they dont show that they appreciate it la. So why still give? so potong u know. =(  u dont even get to see their smile when they receive it. thats like, the most priceless thing when giving someone a gift. "

AND THEN.. i started to think.
" But eyh, maybe outside they act macho and all, but actually inside they really appreciate it? Maybe they do, but just dont show it? "

Friends,
What do you have in mind when you Give?
Do you have any expectations or whtsoever? What is your definition of a Gift?
Shouldn't gifts be given, without expectations, without expecting anything in return?
what is your motive when you give?

I know it is only human to expect at LEAST, a smile. That one smile that could brighten up your day, telling you, " definitely worth it. coz the feeling of seeing them smile is priceless! "

But still,
Isn't it true? That despite their reaction when they receive it, despite whether they do appreciate it or not, isn't it still called, a Gift?
freely given, with no strings attached?

When God gave us His only begotten son, Did he say, "Hey look here, my son, my ONLY son, is going to die for all your sins, Because of that, you MUST worship me, or AT LEAST, give credits to my son's name. His name must be publicized, his suffering must be acknowledged! U SHALL do this and tht and tht, because He died in your place, your soul is now mine.... "

He did not. He sent His ONLY son, to be born as human, and to die, a painful death on the cross, taking our place for all the sins we humans have done, just so that we could be connected with God again, without sin, being the barrier.

This I call, a Gift.

One that is given freely, with no strings attached.
One that is given out of Love.
One that is given not because of the works you have done, But one that is given by the Grace of God.

The misconception of the word "Gift" nowadays is quite sad.
They go " BUY this and this and this and you will get a FREE GIFT. "
Right. free gift konon. ;)

heh.

So YES!
Unless you...
Give, with a willing heart,
Give, with no expectations *although i know it is quite hard not to have the slightest expectation*
Give, without expecting anything in return.

How in the world is whatever you're giving called a gift?! =P

Blessed Christmas Everyone!
I hope you've been blessed this CHRIST-mas,
as Jesus is definitely the reason for this season. =)
Its not abt the gifts,not abt santa,not abt the fancy decos and snowmans, But has and always will be about My savior, My father, My Lord, My God. =)

1 week left till 2012 arrives!
I hope all us will be able to resolve whatever conflicts we have and welcome/start the new year with a smile.  =)

Blessed Christmas and a Happy new year!
xoxo.!

It's funny how people can have such contrasting views.

When you're in a certain situation.

One might want to switch places with you, anytime of the day.

One, on the other hand, might dread being in the position he/she is in.

Why now?

Sighs.

Because today i'm Happy. =)

Ahhh guess wht guess wht guess wht?!!!!

I received a package from london today!
A box filled with love,memories and smiles! and surprises and sweetness!
Have not smiled or felt this happy since 2 months ago!
Happy got la, but not this happy!

You got me KOJL. =)
U caught me by surprise!
ahhh.. i just LOVEEEE receiving things by post!
they're somehow so much more meaningful. the time and effort and love put into preparing the package? something money can never buy. =)

Anyways. Something i realized and somehow just felt like 'penning' it down.
I realized one of the reasons why I dont easily open up to people.
Not just merely opening up, but more like, opening up my heart and letting someone into my life be it a very close friend or someone special.

When I do open up to someone, i tend to share alot of things that are very dear to me with them. All sorts of things. My favorite makan place, my favorite shopping/hang out place, my favorite park, my day to day happenings, my childhood memories, my favorite songs, my secret getaway, special places that i've discovered that is like, SUPER AWESOME, these places, only a few i have brought. my favorite radio station, favorite movies, etc!

so so so so so many things lah.
But what happens when they disappear from my life?
what then?

everytime i go to my favorite makan place,park,shopping place, movies,songs,radio stations, food etc, I remember these people whom i've shared it with. Each and every single one of them. Whether or not they are still in my life or not. If they are, happy memories they shall be. If they aren't, they're happy memories that ended with a twist.

Now, these places or things that i've shared mean a great lot to me. But when certain people are no longer in my life, the pain/hurt/sad memories/ etc lingers in these places or things as well. So much so, as much as i love going to these places, when i DO go back to these places, i cant help but have a walk down memory lane.

Sighs. this has happened to me so many times.
And it really is crappy when things or places that you love so much are associated with the sad memories,hurt,pain,and sadness as well. Its something like giving your favourite toy to someone. Entrusting him/her to take care and handle it with love. but in the end, when things dont turn out right, the toy is somehow, idk la damaged? that whenever u play with that toy again, u see the scars imprinted on it. Each scar, holding its very own story.

wow.
Random realization about myself. =)
One of the many reasons.
hehs. No wonder I dont easily open up to people. =)
Its no wonder.

xoxo.!

Sleep Deprived like no ones business! :O

Hey dear readers!

I have been soooo stressed out and tired the past 2 weeks! Busy busy bee! 

Good news is, One of my major events for december has come to pass! =)

yessss, the christmas party is now over and now, I've been busy preparing for the upcoming dance competition/performance at my Uni's Gala Night this thursday!

Time is flying like *swwwoooooooshhh~!* the wind. ANYWAYS! in case u are wondering how the christmas party went, well, apparently it was a big success! Thats what others have been telling me. =) But i'll blog about it in detail when i get them pichas. =)

Yesterday, I went for a family dinner at Desa Parkcity's Secret Recipe.

Dinner with the uncles, aunties, cousins and grandma.

Compared to our previous dinners, this was how it looked like most of the time.

Yupp.. how most family dinners look like nowadays.

What happened to spending time with people?

what happened to dinner like these? 

I miss it.

People nowadays spend so much time on things and less on people.

Shouldn't it be the other way round?

Call me old fashioned.
But up till now, i still believe that it is common courtesy not to use any of your gadgets when you're at the dinner table. even if you were waiting for your food to come and you have nothing else to do.

Anyways, Grandma became hypoglycemic the minute we reached the restaurant. The minute stepped out of the car, she suddenly felt all dizzy and sick. She took insulin before we left the house but i guess she waited too long before she took food in. She was feeling very sick, moody, hungry but no appetite. At that point of time, she needed loads of attention. She did get alot of attention, but only for a while. It was quite difficult. We tried to order coffee for her, but she still felt dizzy. We asked her if pasta would be okay for her and she said okay but after taking the first bite, she rejected the pasta immediately. She said it taste weird. We then asked her what she wanted to eat, she wanted mash potatoes, So aunt went out to buy mash potatoes because secret recipe didn't serve mash potatoes. Aunt came back with the mash potatoes, likewise, after the first bite, she pushed it aside and shook her head from side to side. Cousin bought her sweets. Those sweets to soothe her throat and idk, they thought letting her eat sweets would make her feel better and maybe stabilize her sugar level. Long story short, it was quite difficult to find out what she wanted and all and we all really tried our best to find ways to make her feel better but none of it seemed to work.

After a while, most of them felt fed up or maybe annoyed.
I didn't say much. But i just tried to understand her. Kept checking on her, asking if she wanted anything else. To be honest, i couldn't really enjoy myself or take my eyes off her. I kept checking on her from time to time. Seeing her so sick made me really worried. That kind of feeling you get when you want to help someone but you just dont know how to. I took an opportunity to get away from the table and went for a stroll around the park. Ahhhh... I just love walking around that park. I just feel so at peace when i'm there. Even though i was alone, it felt really good. Having some time alone, some time to myself after all the hectic and busy days/weeks/months i've been having. That park holds alot of memories.. both happy and sad ones. But i still love the place alot la. My getaway place. =)

Anyways, i quickly went back into the restaurant before ppl started looking for me. Haha.. After a while, when nothing seemed to work, i took her out for a walk, to get some fresh air. And to my surprise! despite how painful her leg is when she walks, she felt better! =))) was so happy when she started talking more..and asking me if there was any suitable food for her that she could eat. Which meant her appetite was back! =) I then was reminded of something that i've realized before.

As Kids, we're usually all sulky, we constantly need attention, we constantly need the care of people, we constantly need to know that we are loved. We're picky. we get upset easily. we throw random tantrums. 

Now..

Dont you think both kids and old people share quite similar characteristics? 

They're grumpy. They're so sensitive. They're picky, they just want things to be how it has always been, they dont like change. they throw random tantrums, they need to know that they are still loved, they need to feel loved and cared for all the time, and they need alot of your time and attention.

Why then isit okay for Kids to do it and not for older people? If Kids get all the attention they want, Shouldn't we give more attention to our grandparents/parents when they're old and grey?

Its like a cycle. u start out like this, and you somehow, end life like this. You start with diapers, you end up with diapers as well in the end. Just that, you've bigger diapers. =P I dont know lah.. It's just sometimes quite sad to see how people tend to see older people as a burden when they start to become dependent. When they can no longer live life independently. When they constantly need your time and attention. This is the time, when they need us the most. But sadly, most people leave them when they need us most. Dont get me wrong, i'm not saying that it is easy to take care of them, take care of their feelings. its like taking care of a really really big baby and it can become really frustrating at times. Especially for people who are very busy and filled with responsibilities. 

Dont only look at our grandparents la. Look at our parents. Even if they're only at their 50s, trust me, they start getting all sensitive and all even at this age. Sometimes you feel like, Aiyoh, You so old edy still wanna act like a small kid. GAAAH.

But i guess this is just how life is. Really. Dont you think so? 

Things i've been pondering on.

=)

AND yes. I have been VERY VERY VERY MUCH SLEEP DEPRIVED! it's scary. Because even my lecturers are noticing how exhausted i look/am. Haha.. my criminal law lecturer kept asking me " You okay? " ever since last week! And i am so tired that it takes me hours of effort before i can finally bring myself to bathe! LOL. the minute i reach home, i died on the sofa. slept for an hour, woke up, *go bathe go bathe!* walk upstairs, died on the sofa upstairs. After a few hours, wake up *omgosh go bathe laaa~!!!* go into my room to take clothes, die again on my bed. hahaaa... MY GOODNESSSSSSSS! i'm so tired that i keep falling asleep wherever i go. And i am not proud to say that for the pass 2 days, i've been so tired to the point where i was on the verge of dozing off while driving. VERY DANGEROUS I KNOW! and that is why, i forced myself to take a super long nap just now. Slept from 5.30pm till 9pm. So happy, finally got to reach home while it is still bright today. And i'm gonna try to sleep before 1am later. which means, in another 42 minutes! =P Yeah, very serious edy. Tired to that extend. Very bad very bad. So anyways, please continue to keep me in prayer. I've still my upcoming dance competition, my cg's christmas party, my church's new year's eve dance, and the long awaited HUGE camp! =D i cant wait for the 17th to come. I'll be more free after the 16th. cant wait! i hope i get to have more time to myself after this week. 

And nyahahahaaa, i cant wait to see me on tv this saturday. =PPPP

xoxo.!

Dont Forget, Dont Forget.

I've realized a couple of things in the past week.

#1: In any arguments or debates,

The minute someone starts to feel attacked, or becomes defensive, nothing good comes out of the debate or arguments. Why so? I dont know about your experience, but usually in mine? People dont exactly answer the questions thrown at them the minute they are on attack mode. All they do is attack attack and shoot. People dont make any sense when they're on attack mode. Dont you think so? During one of my class tutorials, as usual, we'd have presentations,followed by questions to the group presenting. I realized how they didn't answer my question even after i've repeated em over and over again. First, second third time i repeat, still, no answer. by the fifth time i repeated myself, i thought they couldn't understand my question, so i tried to ask them in all sorts of ways to help them understand my question. But after a while, i realize, You know what? theres no point asking them again. When I ask, they shoot back with a totally different issue. They start defending their point. But no answers given to my question. And the debates never end. it just keeps going on and on and round and round in circles with nothing being achieved by the end of the discussion.

People in general tend to do the exact same thing during arguments. Its no wonder why arguments always seem so pointless. Nothing makes sense. Well, most of the time nothing makes sense. You just end up fanning a bigger flame, you end up with hearts and feelings hurt, you end up with words you wished you never said. words, you apparently did not mean. But then again, if you did not mean it, why then did you say it? this puzzles me even up till now. Everytime after a fight, people come to you and apologize and say sorry for what they said and that they didn't mean it. Really? how's tht possible? I'm not dumb. I know that it's apparently,possible. But i seriously dont see the logic in it larh. really. when you're angry, you say things to get back at that person or to hurt that person. You WANT to do it. and you had all intentions to say whatever you said. So how can you not mean it? Maybe you can feel regretful of saying what you said la, But the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. " ? Hmm. I'll leave you to ponder.

#2: Responsibilities and challenges.

You want to do this, that AND that. Or responsibilities that you didn't ask for come flying towards you. Most of us, when we commit and agree to do something, we always start out with this burning flame. this fire. But when challenges come, when the pressure sets in, when things get so out of hand, when the stress is overwhelming, we all burn out. We forget the very first reason why we even got ourselves involve in any of this in the first place! Many people wish they had such opportunities and responsibilities in their lives. Some, they wish they never had any of this. I have to be honest with you. I'm facing a load of stress,chaos and pressure. As the 9th draws nearer, so many things have been going out of hand. So many issues that suddenly came out of no where! The team, shaken up. I somehow knew such things would happen as the 9th drew nearer. But I wasn't prepared for any of this. I was totally caught off guard. And i'm left with so many unanswered questions. Being a middle person is no fun. No fun at all. But I always seem to get this role. hehs.

You know what? I realize how we tend to start, looking at all of this as opportunities, but end, looking at all of this as burdens. it shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't. We let our emotions get the better of us. We let all these external pressure and stress get to us, till we forget why/how we even started out.

I think this happens even in relationships between couples. You start out, all mushy and sweet. And when all the never ending fights starts happening? You ask yourself, Why am I even in this relationship in the first place?

Dont we All? hehs.

Sometimes, my plate gets so full, till i no longer see the joy and purpose in doing all of this.I forget. I get so tensed and stressed till I forget why i'm doing what i'm doing. But it shouldn't be like this, Kah May. When the going gets tough, cling on to God's strength and wisdom even more. Praise Him even more for trusting you so much that he trust you enough to get by. To get through all these challenges. To carry out all this responsibilities. Because He will never give you something you cannot handle. You should praise Him even more that he finds such favour in you to entrust you with all of these responsibilities. You should thank Him for giving you all these opportunities to bless others. You should thank Him for giving you all these talents that you are now using in whatever ways. You should thank Him for letting you experience things not many people in their normal lives get to experience. Yes, it may be really hard, it may be very overwhelming, it may even bring you to edge, lead you to breaking point, but all of these, you should embrace with thanksgiving in your heart.

Dont forget, dont forget that He is constantly watching over you.
I'm currently in a situation where things looks almost impossible to be settled or fixed. I cannot. But He can. He can.. I dont know how I am going to settle all of these ill feelings and conflicts in these few days, i really dont. But I really hope that God will help me find a way.

Use me Lord, guide me and lead me.
I feel so lost. I feel so small. I feel like i'm not good enough to clean up all these mess. I know I cant, on my own. I really need God to be with me.

"The world may fade, You will remain. In the midst of the trial, With Hope and light, You reign over all. Though my heart may fail,You will always be, i'll sing, Our God never fails, Our God never fails.  Praise in the morning, praise in the evening, praise when i'm laughing, praise when i'm grieving, There will be dancing, there will be singing, upon injustice we will tell of our God. The Hope of all heart is you, Your love never fails. Your Love never fails. In darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing of His mercy and Kindness."

xoxo.!

December Already?!

=)

Hey All! I cant believe december is already here! Usually, this would be the busiest month of the year for me because of performances in the shopping malls, old folks home etc. But this year, My december is definitely going to be a different one. Since i couldn't commit to AFC this year, i thought i'd have a pretty free schedule in december. Turns out? I'm busy. every single day of december except for maybe 3-4 days! :O!

Gosh. How scary. =/ I didn't realize i was THIS busy until i penned down all my plans for the month. If you're wondering what in the world can a girl of my age be so busy with? Well, I've been really busy planning and organizing an upcoming christmas party that will be held in my Uni. Few months back, I started joining the CF in my Uni. I saw a need for change, and I was definitely determined to make a change in my uni's cf, and hopefully, in my whole uni. And so, i've been really committed to my CF and all of a sudden! I'm the deputy chairperson for the Christmas Project ! I am really encouraged to see the changes that are happening in my cf. To see how our CF is quickly growing! So yes, on the 9th of December, We'll be having a christmas party in my Uni. We'll be inviting 70 orphans to join us. We've also started a christmas tree project where we set up a Christmas Tree in the college and whoever who wishes to bless one of the kids with a gift, could buy a gift, wrap it, and place it under the tree. We've also got a wish list from each and every single one of the kids. Their names, their age, and what they want for christmas. And believe me, we seriously intend to fulfill every single wish we've received. =) Even if it means buying a bicycle for a 14 and 9 year old girl. 

So you see, not only the plannings of the event and yada yada was keeping me busy, but interacting with the students in my uni, talking to the college staff to see what they could help us with, sponsors, training a group of people for a sign language performance for the event, caroling practice, getting the equipment, musical instruments, and alot of other stuffs. It is definitely not easy getting so much done in such a short time. But despite all the stress, pressure, energy used up to get all of these done, I really look forward to the 9th. To share and spend Christmas with 70 orphans, to be a blessing, to share with so many other people, the true meaning of christmas. It's not about santa, definitely not about snowmans or reindeers, but the celebration of the Birth of Jesus Christ. =)

SO YES. i've been really really busy organizing this upcoming party! Baru did all the shopping for the party packs just now. It was fun but it was definitely tiring! Pengsan weih. @_@ Also, The week after the 9th, would be my Uni's Gala Night on the 15th of Dec. Guess what? I'll be competing/performing. I didn't want to at first, but i knew how much my friend wanted to participate and so, i agreed. So we've like dance practice every evening after class! up to 7pm plus.. or prolly later starting next week onwards. So yes, dance pracs alone takes up almost half of my time! What about my Law Classes?! =S my studies.. they're keeping me SUPER DUPER BUSY as well! 

This saturday, i'll also be choreographing a dance for my church's New year's eve service! Very soon, when the choreography is done, dance pracs for church will start! I really wonder how and when i'm gonna slot that in because i am almost packed everyday! And Eunice Mei will be coming up to KL just to spend time with me and to see me on Monday. AT THE SAME TIME.. sis will be coming up as well with Josh and Maegan. Sis have some teacher's training thing in KL. WHO TAKES CARE OF THE BABIES THEN?! :O .................................... *drops to the ground*  and right after prom, on the 16th, My CG will be having a house christmas party. And on the 26th - 29th i'll be going to HUGE camp.

AM I BUSY OR AM I BUSY?! 

So many things happening at the same time. So many issues on my mind, still unresolved. So many responsibilities, so little time and i'm only one person and my health hasn't been helping much! Haven't been in the best of health recently. Anyways, i really really really hope that everything will go well. I can tell you this, I will definitely not be able to survive the next 2 weeks if i relied solely on my strength alone. Definitely cannot make it. I really need to learn, especially at this point of time, to lean not on my own understanding but to trust in the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul. To rely on His strength and not mine. 

To be honest, my head, right now, it feels like it could explode at any second now. Theres just too much going on up in there! 

Lord, I really need to learn how to rely on Your strength and not solely on mine. Please teach me, how to lean not on my own understanding but on Yours. Please guide me, lead me, give me wisdom, give me patience, give me peace so that the stress and pressure will not get the better of me and most of all, please give me your strength to get through the upcoming hectic,stressful and busy 2 weeks. Please let me not be let by my emotions, but by Your spirit. I pray that my emotions will not get the better of me. Thank You so much Lord, for everything. For all the opportunities you have given me, for all the people You have brought into my life, for all the blessings that I have received so that I can bless others as well and for bringing me through tough times even when I thought I wouldn't make it through. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I know, I know He is always watching over me. Sometimes, I may not see it, but when i do? The same line keeps playing in my head like a broken record.

" What greater love is there, than this? "

I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me.

xoxo.!

The Honest Truth.

Hey all.

The picture on the left describes exactly what i'm feeling right now..Probably even better than any words put together, could.

I'm pretty sure that most of you already know that i haven't been having the best 2 months of my life. It has been a struggle. It really has. And today, I was right at the edge, ready to fall.. ready to let go.. ready to surrender.

I am usually the strong one. The tough cookie! someone who everyone thinks, feels or believes that.. "Nahhh..Who u kidding?! You're Celine Yap! i'm sure you'll be just fine." Truth is, No matter how strong one can be, We can only take so much. In the end of the day, we're still humans. In the end of the day, we'll break at some point.
I've been under immense stress in all aspects of Life. You name it. Family, Friends, Studies, etc. And as much as I believe that God is the only one you can turn to without having to fear of being disappointed or let down, truth is, Humans need other humans. That is why God gave Adam, Eve. We're made to complement each other.

Honestly, sometimes when i'm in the library, reading up cases, the same question pops up from time to time. The very same question that bothered me ever since A-levels. " Why are you doing this? Why are you studying Law? Is this really what You want? " My first choice was definitely not Law. In fact, my choice was the complete opposite of Law! The Entertainment Field. Something I love, something i grew up around, something i've experienced. But for obvious reasons, I didn't quite have the choice to have such a choice. Hence, Law. My second option. I didn't like the idea of getting myself into a field where most of the people have the "Dont care" attitude unless it concerns their money or unless it hurts their pocket. Lets face it, The world today is such where the mention of words like Justice! carries less weight and meaning.

Why are you studying Law?
= Because i want to help others. I want justice. i want to fight for it.

Answer this, and the world laughs at you with their skeptical looks shouting " OH PUHLEAAASEE~ "

My question to the people who would respond in that manner is..
WHY NOT?

Seeing the Life of most people in the Law field really makes me sad and worried. They work round the clock and do what they do solely to increase the number of digits on their pay cheque. And what happens next, when your old and grey? In the end, it has always been JUST about money. To most people, that would be the ultimate goal and satisfaction. Though, i really wonder if it really IS satisfying at all in the end. I guess it is very subjective. But that is definitely a road i dont want to take. Definitely not a Life I would like to lead. And that is why, ever since i started my Law Degree, the only motivating factor? = It is a very good and useful degree.

Thats all. that all that was keeping me going. Really.
Untill I met Richard Wee. The chairperson of the National Young Lawyers Committee.
He gave a talk that gave me hope. It was very comforting to know that there are still a group of lawyers who are working, not solely because of money, but they try their best to help out people in need whenever they can. They're my inspiration really. It was very comforting to know that as skeptical as the world is about lawyers being people who want to fight for justice and to help people even if they dont have enough money,the fact that they DO exist? It really stirred up this Hope, this Energy, this Want, this Spur, to be just like them when i one day become a lawyer. To make a change. To BE the change.

I realize how many of us in this generation often feel like we are incapable of making any change. How we have the " Nahh I'm sure there is someone out there who would get the job done." My question to you is, What if everyone said the same thing?! Nothing will ever change then. No?

If you want to see a change, Make the change! BE the change!
Sometimes you feel like, Who am I? that I can possibly make such a change? I'm not high ranked, I'm only a student, I have not much influence, I dont have a special Title. Guess what?
I honestly believe that everyone is capable of doing just anything as long as they set their heart to do so.

You want something? Go for it. You have an Idea, a dream, a plan, you wish to do something? GO FOR IT. Dont let it pass you by. Dont let it just linger in your thoughts. OF COURSE, it is easier said than done. So many times i tell myself , "Wish i was there. wish i was competing like the other crews out there. Wish i was the actress i wanted to be when I was little. Wish i was at least acting somewhere in some Malaysia Actors Association yada yada " So many dreams I had, So many I let go, So many i let pass me by. We all have our own set of limitations. but i guess, If we really wanted something, We'd go out of the way just to get it. That's what I believe. Though, Sometimes, we must of course be practical.

I WILL, SEE AN AURORA WITH MY VERY OWN PAIR OF EYES IN THIS ONLY LIFE I HAVE ON EARTH. I WILL.

Just you wait for my pictures. =P
And Kimberley Ong, You will be with me in those pictures. =)

Also, during the past week, I dont know why, but it felt as if everyone who I opened up to seemed to be running away and disappearing from my Life at the time i need them most. Not all of them. Though, most of them. " How much harder/tougher can things get? " I guess theres nothing more saddening at such tough times than knowing/seeing the people who you opened up to leave you when you need them most. I felt so alone. So alone in all this mess. How low can one get?

hehs.
Now, How am I suppose to open up to more people after this?
Its just too difficult.

Anyways, dont worry too much about me.
I'm a tough cookie remember?

xoxo.!

Been going through David cook's songs and i really like these 3. =)



3.19 - 3.30  ♥ my fav part of the whole video..
This song is so nice. So understanding. And so true how no one can fix yourself, but you. Its a journey you'd have to go through yourself. But knowing someone is there, following u closely behind as u partake this journey? Its just so comforting.






And these 3 songs have been on replay. =)
You should check out his live videos. He's still so good Live.
What I call true talent.

xoxo.!

1. if u dont trust me, why bother asking me?
2. Why do you have to let it linger?
3. i take back wht i said about christina perri. A thousand years is awesome. :)
4. Without You by david guetta and usher is so nice. Totally felt the song the 1st time i heard it.
5. Journey's faithfully is soooo touching. The boyce avenue cover has been on replay!
6. I have been under SO MUCH STRESS. D:
7. sometimes i feel like i cannot afford to fall because there will be no one there to catch me. i know i have God. but lets face it, humans need other humans no matter how tough we are.
8. i really needed a friend on friday. Sighs. 11.11.11
9. Was so busy hosting friends from overseas..
10. With You~ Shawty with You~~ Under the Miseltoe.. =) Stupid line stuck in my head the whole week! hahaa.. Justin Bieber's Miseltoe. =)
11. why... why.. why... but i know why. but why? =(
12. i miss kim alot.
13. i decided to go for prom. Still dont know why i'm going though.. =/
14. ='(
15. My car has been breaking down like no ones business. in the middle of the highway also got. *headsdown*
16. I am only one person and I can only do so much. for the past 2 weeks, i felt like i've been torn into a hundred pieces.
17. Took a week off from the internet last week..
18. Not performing in malls this December. Gonna be a very different dec! thought i'd be free this dec, but i thought wrong! LOL. SOOO BUSY with SOO many other things! ahhh..~
19. I could use a very long silent hug.
20. i've been having trouble sleeping. =( i can lay on my bed for few hours before i can finally fall asleep. and after a few hours, i wake up. =(
21. yats. tnod og.
xoxo.!

Dear Ladies..

It is sad to see how the world has changed to one where man and woman are equal at almost everything! So much so, women are now making the initiative to do things that should be left to the Men to do! As much as we'd like to have gender equality, i really think that some areas should be left untouched, just the way it is. A friend recently shared an article with me, which totally motivated me to blog. hahaa..


Love. Relationships. Soul Mates. Mr. Right.


Tonnes of questions that sometimes make u want to pull ur hair out right?! Guys say we girls are confusing. sometimes i really feel that guys are just as confusing! No jokes. =)


I'll share the article with you at the end of this entry. but i'll quote parts of the article which i think really hit me. =)

"First we must allow our Heavenly Father to do the picking. And second, the decision for a mate must be made on a spiritual and intellectual basis before it's made on an emotional one. "What about love? Shouldn't that be the third?" you ask. No, and I'll tell you why. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).

The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently--it just loves to love! Therefore, you have to point it in the right directions: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). "

 Too often, we act according to what we feel. how we feel. Too often, we are led by our emotions. We let our emotions get the better of us. But if u sit down, and think it through, u'd realize that alot of things that happen in our lives are totally not about how we feel. the world certainly doesn't revolve around us. What more about how we feel? but i guess its human nature to act based on what we feel. But we shouldn't really. Because above all things, the heart is deceitful. 

* Friendship, Courtship, Marriage. 

How many of you actually know these stages? haha. this world we live in now? we just LOVE jumping into things and skipping stages. really. How many people do you know that actually have a firm and stable friendship before getting into a relationship? What about you? Did you have a firm and stable friendship before getting into a relationship with your current partner? How well did you know him or her when you asked him or her to be yours? I definitely agree that you will never ever stop learning about your partner. You never will. You just have to keep on learning and studying your partnet as time goes by because they change as time goes by. But still, how many of you actually knew your guy, before u said Yes?

Friendship is two people walking together in agreement and accountability, learning and growing together. 

Courtship follows the mutual agreement to commit to one another exclusively--it is the decisive turning toward the agreed-upon goal of the marriage altar. It is a period of laying a foundation and preparing your life together after marriage.

How many couples do you know that got into a relationship, believing that one day, this will be the guy i'll marry? or do you get into a relationship just because you feel lonely? because you think, "Man, i could really use a boyfriend right now. " ? Hahaha. its really sad to see how so many people nowadays fail to appreciate the seriousness of getting and committing to a relationship. So many people take it so lightly! I see people getting together over night! or because they feel all lovey dovey when they're together and right away, they think, YES! WE'RE READY! WE SHOULD BE TOGETHER! =DDDDD! seriously, if that is the reason why u got into a relationship, let me ask u then. What if that lovey dovey stage is long gone and passed? do u think the both of you will still work out? 

and another thing that REALLY bugs me la. seriously. Dear girls and ladies! PLEAAASEEEE stop trying to play the role of a Man! Sometimes, You just gotta let a Man do what He's gotta Do! Stop being so impulsive! Stop trying to take control and try to plan everything so that, he will have the opportunity to confess his feelings. Or trying to give him STRONG HINTS like super obvious HINTS to tell him, Hey, im ready. ask me now ask me nowwwwwww~~~~~~~~~~! 

Does this man want you? Is he pursuing you? The man who is right for you will pursue you, and God's hand in the relationship will be clear.

No guessing, no fleeces, no dead ends. Scripture says: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord" ( Prov.18:22).

Note--who finds whom? THE MAN FINDS THE WIFE. From the beginning of time, God has transported men and women across the world in order to put them together. At the RIGHT TIME, He will bring that man on the scene and he will find you. In God's perfect design, the man is the one who recognizes his mate. Adam had no problem recognizing that Eve was his missing rib. You do not need to strategically place yourself anywhere. You don't have to help a guy out because he's shy! Men will do whatever they have to do to get what they truly want.

The man in your life should recognize you as the pearl of great price in his life and be willing to do whatever he must in order to gain your hand. If he is passive about gaining your affections, take it as a sign that he is not interested. 

Relax, sit pretty and allow yourself to be found. Again,--WAIT until the man voices his intentions. He should take the lead in establishing the relationship. You may have an inkling that he is the one, but God will use the man to set the tone of the relationship. Allow him the opportunity to woo you--this is your first act of submission. Jesus set the standard for all men to follow. They should love us first. And they should lead the relationship.

WAIT. Girls.. Wait! Honestly? If a guy truly wants you, he'd go all out for you. Even if he has to build up the most courage he has ever had to, just to go after you! Seriously, seriously. If he really wants you, He'd go after you. He'd pursue You. He'd realize that man, i really cannot afford to lose Her. i really cannot afford to let her pass me by! If he wants you, he will come get you! He wouldn't leave you hanging, filled with uncertainties, confusion and questions! And girls, i know that this is the part where you'd go all crazy.. trying to figure out if He really does want you. And then you get so fed up with guessing, You start taking things into your own hands with the feeling that, "Gosh, u guys just dont know how to do anything anymore. If i dont make this move, nothing will ever happen. " and then u try to drop big hints here, there and everywhere! and u try to prompt him to give u an answer. to make his move. to affirm you that he feels the same way as u do. We try so hard to find someone to find us! seriously. hahaa.. and u know what?! we girls always reserve that special spot in our hearts even before we are sure of what the guy truly feels for us! We reserve, even before we are sure. And then when the guy turns around and say, Sorry, i think we should just be friends. You feel the most piercing words, pierce right through your heart. Please girls, Untill He voices out his intentions, dont reserve a spot. dont lock down your heart and block out the rest. Sometimes u may feel as if, He's the one! im sure he's the one! Honestly girls? both you and I will never know what the future holds. Seriously. No matter how perfect you think you both would make as a couple? Things can happen out of a sudden and turn your world 360 degrees. None of us, No one, would ever know what the future has in store for us, except God. 

And finally, 

If the man you meet makes you feel that you need to completely reinvent yourself, something is wrong. This is where I ask you to consider the relationship in terms of cost. Is this relationship expensive spiritually, emotionally, or physically? Does your longing for a mate make you willing to forfeit who you are in the process? Or does he see you as the gift that you are? The man in your life should consider you as a rare find, a priceless jewel--because of you he is getting ready to get blessed big-time!

Any relationship that causes you to feel unworthy, unlovely, unacceptable, undesirable, or that you have to work for love, is too expensive! God has called the man to cover, protect, and provide not only materially for a woman, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You should be richer in mind, body and spirit for your union with the man of your dreams. The man in your life should make rich deposits into your heart and spirit, not withdrawals.

Dear ladies.. as cliche as it may sound, A guy has to love you for who You are. Not for who you can become. Or not for who he wants you to become. A guy who truly loves you, will see your weaknesses and flaws and still think that you're amazing. A guy who truly loves you, will accept you for who you are. He'd not only take the good side of you, but also the bad side of you. What kind of friend or partner would he be if he only appreciated and accept Your Good side but trash you when Your Bad side surfaces? do you think such a friend or guy would be someone you could spend the rest of your life with?

A guy who really likes you, loves you, will take both Good and Bad. And even after taking in the Bad, The Good would still make the bigger picture. If he ever made u feel unworthy, unacceptable.. if he ever failed to acknowledge you.. rather keep you as a secret.. is ashamed of sharing you to His world.. Then please girls. Let it go. And leave. Such a guy is not worth your time. your love. your feelings. that special spot. your heart. He is definitely not worth hurting over. definitely not worth it.

then again, whether someone is worthy or not is a very subjective question. 

then again, sometimes you cant help but still take in all the hurt and pain and yet still feel, its okay. not everyone is perfect. 

then again, sometimes the softer side of you gets the better of you. So much so, you dont mind hurting for someone who apparently, isn't worth hurting over.

but i guess, all of these, they're a process of Life.. things some people just have or had to go through. different people react differently to similar situations.

But despite all our differences, I really do believe that We girls should really learn to take a step back, and stop trying to control everything and every area of our lives. i know we can be awesome superwomans and be the best multi-tasker on earth, but as i said earlier, sometimes, some things are just meant to stay the way they are. In the past, present, and future. 

Sometimes, You just gotta let a man do, what a man's gotta do.

So take a step back, breathe, and stop trying to play the role a guy should be playing.

the full article is here if you'd like to read it up.

http://www.christian-single-woman.com/am-i-the-right-man.html

i hope you were blessed like how i was by this article.

And to end this entry, this is my prayer and hopefully, the prayer of the rest of you girls. =)

Dear Heavenly Father,

I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice. In Jesus Name. Amen.

xoxo.!

God is pulling Me through rainstorms heavy enough to prepare Me for a long lasting rainbow.


xoxo.

She's Back! :)

Hello all !

i know in my previous entry i said tht i wanted to stop blogging for a while.. and even now, i still dont think i'm ready to be back blogging. But something has happened to me.. something so amazing. And I'd be selfish to keep this testimony to myself. I cannot keep this to myself.. I want the whole world to know of what i've experienced.. and i dont know what you'd think.. but to me.. this is something really amazing.. =) and this is something i'd like to share.

The past week hasn't been the best week i've had. To be honest, the past week have been one that was really difficult, painful and .. it was just a really tough week for me. it really was. But let me just share with you, One event that happened.

On thursday, when i was working in SEGI college.. When i went to the toilet.. I forgot my phone was in my pocket.. and bent down and the phone fell right into the toilet. it was a squatting toilet. Yeah ok.. go ahead.. laugh. Done laughing? Okay. so let me continue.. =P ( terrible person! ) it definitely wasn't funny at all when it happened.. it really wasn't.. in fact.. it was so shocking.. that when i saw my phone falling in.. i asked myself.. " WHATS THAT?! " and after one second..when i heard the thing that dropped reach the bottom of the pipe.. i realized.. *GASP!* MY PHONE!!!!!!!!!! :O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was a really shocking moment for me.. i couldn't believe what just happened! it all happened so quickly! and so.. i straight away asked one of the ladies from the office for help! And instead of laughing at me, she went.. "SHIT ok! " and she ran to the office and told another girl and asked her to call the maintenance people..but sadly, they were all out for lunch.. So yes.. the word spread.. so everyone in the office knew i dropped my phone in the toilet.. some laughed.. some just shook their heads. And the thing that kinda got me annoyed.. was the fact that everyone ... EVERYONE.. kept asking me what model my handphone was! Okay, i know thats like a normal reaction la k.. but still, me, being the sentimental person i am.. i couldn't care less abt the phone! ( i dunno la..it really showed me how materialistic the world can get ) when my phone dropped into the toilet, part of my heart dropped together with my phone as well.. it really did. i suddenly felt part of my heart.. stripped away.. just like that. reason being? I keep smses. i do that. and.. there are some smses that are in my phone.. smses that i can nvr get from people whom i used to be close to.. or people who are no longer in my life.. or people who are still in my life.. msges that i really treasure.. and the funny part is? i even keep sent msges! LOL. i didn't understand that part of me.. untill wednesday.. when i realized and finally understood why i keep sent msges. i was so happy when i finally understood why! and i was about to tell some of my close friends.. But right before i could tell them why, this had to happen. I keep sent msges because.. honestly.. i really go through alot.. and sometimes.. when i become sooooo down.. when there are times where im at my lowest point.. I tend to forget who i really am. Who i was.. before i got so emo.. and when i read back my sent msges.. these msges remind me of who Celine Yap was before all this emoness.. =) and so yeah.. u may find this strange.. but because most of the time i play the comforter role.. sometimes, i do feel as if i've no one to turn to. (but i know y'all are there for me! i know..) its just sometimes i feel that way. so yes, when i've finally understood why..and i actually felt really happy that i kept these sent msges.. it all got stripped away in a matter of seconds! my heart.. ahhh..pain.. =(

kk back to the story. SO ANYWAYS.. when the maintenance guy came, he used a torchlight and i could see my phone! so he locked the toilet door.. and put the out of service sign so no one could use tht toilet. And he actually went to the basement where the pipe was..and there was this hole.. where if my phone was small enough, it could come out from there. but suddenly, his boss came.. and he was like.. No la cannot cannot. sure cannot come out the hole is too small. then after a while..He said.. sorry la girl. it cannot be done. *My heart sank even further* "even if we got ur phone out, it'll be gone case edy. coz it's been in the water for hours already.." and i said.. "but its not the phone tht i care about.. its the things in the phone..like my contacts etc.." and after tht..he finally decided to help and said tht he'll get his workers to buy the clipper thing to try clip my phone out from the toilet and he asked me to come back the next day, friday. So yeah.. feeling so hopeless.. i prayed.

I prayed that i would get back my phone.. and i prayed that when i get back my phone.. all my smses..all my contacts..everything..it will be there. it will still be there.

and this time, when i prayed.. I chose to practice what i've been sharing with others. and that is to.. BELIEVE.. to believe in God. to believe that God is ABLE! ask yourself. How many times have you prayed for something but right after you pray, U doubt. U doubt tht whatever u prayed for wont come true? that it is impossible? you answer that yourself.

Like i said before in my previous entries.. If YOU yourself dont believe what you are asking God for.. What then are you expecting?!

This time, i chose to stand firm.. and believe..! no matter how impossible the situation may seem. i chose.. to Believe. and that is exactly what i did. when i went home.. and told a few people.. these were their responses..

" HAH?! tomorrow only take out?! Sure gone edy lor ur phone! Soaked in water for a whole day! "

Doubts came flying and rushing towards me. But i stood firm. and I believed.

The next day, Friday..
Went to SEGI.. they told me that they can only help me do it on Saturday. :O?!!!!!!!!!!
this time, everyone who heard, told me..
"Im sorry but u just have to accept the fact that your phone is gone. U really do.. U'll only get disappointed."

I stood firm. i REFUSED to doubt. i really refused to.

Saturday, the maintenance guy called me. His name is Syaiful. it wasn't his working day, but he chose to go back to SEGI and try to help get my phone out.. He tried with the clipper. but failed..it just couldn't come out. kept falling back down. so he went back to the basement.. tried to get it out from the pipe.. and in the end.. guess what he did? he cut the pipe to get my phone out. Now, ask yourself. Why would someone go through all these troubles just to help this girl who doesn't even study at SEGI college get back her phone?! and PLUS. its not even some chunted iphone blackberry ish kinda phone. Why? But he did anyways. and i got back my phone.

The minute i got back my phone, i opened it up.. and boy did it stink.! ya ya kk ewww la ewww la. Pfft.. then i dried it up with tissues.. and tried to use my kleenex wet wipes to kill bacteria and take away the smell. hahaa..quite fail la.. it still smelled. LOL. ANYWAYS.. went home, used the hair dryer to dry it.. left it there the whole day.. sunday, did the same thing. And i chose not to tell anyone about me getting back my phone. Coz i know when they find out.. they'd start doubting..and they'd start telling me stuffs to make me doubt. so i just kept quiet..and stood firm.

TODAY.
came home..told dad abt it..there was one of those gold thingy for the battery..it was sort of black..ish.. looked burnt..so did the golden thing on the battery.. but anyways.. Dad asked.. "Was it on when it fell in? " "Yes." "HUH..then gone edy. sure sot edy..If it can work, i'd be amazed! "

so i went and try..but before tht..he helped me clean the black part..with i dunno what.. and then..he tried to on it.. but fail. cannot on. i took another battery from my other phone and tried...First time he press..cannot on. I was like.. *Nonono it will work it will work..dont u dare doubt!* he tried..for the 3rd time.. AND IT ON! IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!! =DDDDDDDDDDD! i immediately took the phone..waited impatiently..for everything to load.. STRAIGHT AWAY WENT TO MY INBOX! ......................................... EVERYTHING WAS STILL THERE! IT WAS ALL THERE! =DDDDDDDDDDDDD =') u have NO IDEA how happy my heart was.. u have no ideaaaa! and guess what happened next? a sms came in.. and the sms ringtone (only exception) that i assigned was still assigned! it didnt change to some nokia tune! NO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!????! i was SO HAPPY! i couldn't stop saying.. God is able God is Able God is Able this is Unbelievable! God is Able with God ALL things are POSSIBLE! i ran to my lil bro.. HUGGED HIM SOOO TIGHT! untill he was suffocating.. ran down to my grandma who kept doubting.. Told Her everything! And told her how i prayed.. what i prayed..and how i believed! And i told her how Great My God truly Is. =) (she's not a christian) And she agreed with every single word i say.. and she said.. i agree.. it seemed impossible.. it makes no sense for ur phone to be immersed in water for 3 days and yet, still work perfectly fine! it really makes no sense..

i drove right away to the phone shop to buy a battery. i was SO HAPPY.. i even told the handphone shop dude the whole story! =P even the phone dude said it was impossible that any electronic item could survive 3 days, immersed in water and yet can still start and function perfectly normal!

Anyways, friends, what i really want to share with you today.. is this.
When u pray to God.. when You ask God for things.. when You ask God for help.. Never Doubt Him. Never doubt what he can do. HE IS GOD. He is SOO big.. bigger than our imagination! We've no idea.. what He can do. We often tend to underestimate his capabilities.. and we often forget that He is God ! If whatever we pray for is according to His will, it will happen. I dont know when.. i dont know how fast. But if it is according to His will? Dont give up on Him. Wait patiently. and dont you doubt even for a second.

OUR GOD IS ABLE.
MY GOD IS ABLE.
and With Him? ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Even if my phone couldn't start, I would still be contented and continue to Believe in God.
Friends, God has plans for us. Plans to prosper us, and not to harm us.
Sometimes, things happen. And sometimes, we've no idea why it happened. But it did.
We'd never know the plans that He has in store for us.
If my phone could start, PRAISE GOD! if my phone couldn't start, PRAISE GOD STILL!

Maybe if my phone couldn't start, it happened for a reason. whatever the reason is, i may or may not find out. but one thing is for sure.. I know.. that My God may let me stumble.. but i definitely know for a fact that he would never let me fall. I know that My God doesn't plan for bad things to happen to me. but i definitely know that he can take those bad things and turn in into something so great and so wonderful.. beyond my wildest imaginations.

Thats how Great My God is. =)

Our God never fails.
His Love never fails.. unlike love among Humans.

I'd like to end this entry with this very special song..



I have been listening to it non-stop. From the things i've went through in the past week.. This song really touched my heart and it really comforted me. alot... When i was singing this song at the Planetshakers concert.. i found myself in tears.. in pain.. hurt.. broken.. at the start of the song. But at the end of the song? I found myself smiling. =')

This has definitely been a blessing to me.
and i hope it would be a blessing to you as well.

I just thought i should really share this testimony with all of you.
I've been sharing this very message over and over.. and now?
I have experienced it myself.

Our God never fails, His Love Never Fails. =)

xoxo.!

Last Entry. For now..

Hey dear readers..

i've been feeling this way for quite some time.. but i just left these feelings and thoughts to linger on without doing anything about them. You know, i happen to be someone who likes to share my Life with all of my friends..and i guess in this case (my blog) with the rest of the world as well.. Especially to people whom i want to be close to. I tend to want to share alot with them.. Because i really believe that if I really want to be closer to someone, You just cant keep secrets from them? It has always been a part of me.. to just want to share things with people whom i close to. Things about me.. things that happen in my life.. and to some extend, secrets in My Life. Sometimes, i really wish i wasn't like this. Sometimes, i really wish that i was a more conservative person. I wish that i wouldn't pour out so much so quickly. I somehow view this part of me as something that is not good. A weakness. I seriously don't understand how others view this part of me as something that is admirable. i really don't.

To be honest, Sometimes, i really do feel that, because i share so much with someone, later on.. sooner or later.. I get taken for granted. And this has happened. true story. taken for granted in the sense that.. Oh.. i know so much about her without having to make that much effort.. So nice, she tells me stuffs without me having to ask. And what happens next? Somehow, you wouldn't bother to make anymore effort to get to know me more. to know me better. and i just keep giving and giving and giving.. until i run dry.

Same goes with blogging and facebook. I blog because i have friends all over the world. And i guess the easiest way to update you guys, is through this blog. You know what? Updates of my Life and all are so readily there.. and easy to access.. and you know.. its just there. Right in front of you. how i am.. whats going on and etc. But somehow, i just get this feeling that because everything is just there, right in front of you, I guess you guys just dont find a reason to make the effort to come and ask me personally? Like, for wht right? coz everything is already there. Here in this blog. or On facebook. So much so that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who are watching over me.. constantly updating themselves about me and my whereabouts.. vast amount of people who apparently are watching over me and people who care for me.. But vast amount of people who i dont even know is there? Honestly? honestly sometimes i really feel so alone. I know, I know that there are SO MANY of you out there who really cares for me still.. and you are so called still.. 'there' or 'here'. but the thing is, i realize that i've not the slightest clue about who does care and who is there. i really wouldn't know.

and thats why, i've always wondered... What if i disappeared from the internet world for a while? where updates about me are no longer made available? how many people would actually take the time and make the effort to actually find out how i'm doing and etc?

The very same question has lingered in my thoughts for a very long time. But i guess right now, at this moment, i am really starting to feel it. to feel taken for granted. its really hitting me.. and i guess its time i did something about the way i'm feeling..i've push aside my feelings for quite a while.. i tend to do that. suppress it and leave it deep down under. but its starting to really get to me.

I dont know why, but right now, i just feel like building this wall.. and just stay behind this wall.. away from everyone else. to stay in my shell.. and hide from the rest of the world. I love to share my life with close and loved ones. But after a while, i dont know why but they get the idea as if i HAVE to share my feelings, my thoughts with them..because i HAVE to.. i just have to. But that is the complete opposite of why i do what i do. I tell you things... i want to tell you about my day.. and just share things about My Life with you because i WANT to. i want you to know more about me. I want our relationship to grow stronger. But in the end, these things get taken for granted. As if i Have to. and it really hurts me. it really does.

So this will be my last entry, for now.
Till i'm feeling better.. and till i feel its okay to come back.
I really hope i didn't offend or hurt anyone in this entry. i really have no intention or whatsoever to point fingers and to make you feel bad.. I just wanted to really share my true feelings.. from deep down under.. with you.

Till next time,
xoxo.!

The exact thoughts in My head.

Put down in statements/quotes/pictures.

whatever you call them.

xoxo.!

Mmm..

You know, i've been thinking alot lately.
One true fact.

Sometimes we get so annoyed and frustrated when someone does something all the time.. Like, a close friend teasing you and calling you names.. or a parent who constantly nags you to blow your hair dry.. or to drink more water.. or to go down and eat your dinner.. to sleep early.. or a close friend constantly smacking you for no good reason.

All these things.. At present times, we may wish it would just STOP! coz it can get pretty annoying.. irritating.. whatever you wanna label it. But one true fact about this? You'd realize that once they finally stop doing what they've always done, You will miss it.. SO BADLY. You'd wish it never stopped. You'd wish things would go back to the way it used to be.

Likewise, a friend getting upset or angry with you easily..
Sometimes you'd feel.. oh gossssh.. so easy angry! like tht also angry! and yada yada..
or.. Why so easy emo ?! she always emo-ing! emo kid!

But when they stop feeling all these things towards you..
You'd suddenly feel a wall between the both of you and you'd feel like.. Man.. why doesn't he or she get angry with me anymore? why dont he/she get upset when i do this anymore?!

Simple.
The reason why they feel all these feelings towards you because of your actions and all.. it's cause they care for you.. and you mean something to them. If you meant nothing, and you were just another hi bye person, Do you think they'd care feeling this way? Likewise with family members. The reason why they nag you or siblings, when we easily get upset with each other.. its because they love you. it is because you mean something to them and they care.. and that is why they feel upset or get easily angry when you do whtever you do. well, this isn't always the case..

sometimes some people are just so sensitive and emotional. But i am speaking from an average..normal.. person perspective? hahaha.. i dunno.. but yeah.. i realize that many times we ask ourselves this question.. " Why do i even bother?! " and you feel so angry with yourself for caring SO much! U feel like, they dont even deserve such care and love from me! But in the end, you still do whatever you do, because you care and you love and they mean something to you. Also, then again, Who Is deserving of such care and love? we're all humans. we all make mistakes. =)

I constantly have a battle with myself.
All the time. when i'm caught up in certain situations.. i'd bomb myself with a million questions. Why are you doing this?! Why cant you just let it go and care less? Why can't you just ................. ~ and the list goes on. Sometimes, i feel stupid for continuing to do something that secretly hurts me. But that have always been my weakness. I'd rather suppress all my feelings and hide it behind a smile than see the person that i care for feel bad or feel sad. Lets just say i dont really care about what i feel. or rather, i choose to keep what i feel, deep down inside. All to myself. and deal with it myself. I know this isn't a healthy thing to do. Sometimes, instead of making the relationship better, it kills the relationship. But its just SO DIFFICULT for me to tell someone, Hey, look here,you really really hurt me this time. BUT if i do tell you, if i do confront you, it's something really Big and something really difficult for me to do.. but the fact that i still push myself to do it? You must mean a great deal to me. hahaa.. so semua-semua yang pernah diconfronted, bangga lah anda. =P unless of course, we've never had such conflicts in our friendships till now. haha. =D

Aihs anyways, i've just been having alot on my mind lately larhs..
So confusing and complicating. =(

I guess the conclusion for this entry is ..to not take for granted, whatever you have now. Even though sometimes you may find it annoying.. trust me. You'll miss it when they stop.

xoxo.!

Thank You All. =)!

Hey all!

I've been good.. and i just want to thank everyone again.. For all the wishes presents and love! I truly feel blessed to have such amazing family and friends in My Life.. =)

I will blog about my birthday soon. But i guess one word to describe my birthday this year? Different. This year, it was different..

I've been really busy the past week! So many things going on.. and i've been busy going out.. ahahha..yes..been going out ALOT. and i guess the pass few days have been so hectic that this week i just feel so tired so easily! believe it or not, i have been sleeping pretty early since sunday. HAHA. tht ws like yday..

but yesss.. have been sleep deprived!
AND GUESS WHAT?! I finally got myself a Baju Kurung and a Punjabi suit! how cool right?! really happy about it! =D =D =D

and.. i've been deep in thoughts.. once again.
thinking and thinking.. so many questions left unanswered..

yeah i btr stop now before i go on and on and on.
will update u guys as soon as possible!
right now, my studies are starting to get pretty hectic..
i can already feel its work load and i feel as if i've not enough time!
so yeah, been pretty busy.
but since last time till now, i will always strongly hold on to the view that no matter how busy i am, i will always try to make tine for the people who are close to my heart. I really do try. and it is no excuse for me to say tht im busy. It takes effort. But it definitely shouldn't be an excuse. And I know myself, that despite how busy i am.. i definitely can spare a lil time for the ones i love..for the ones who mean something to me.

xoxo.!

Time. Thats all its ever been..

Sighs.

Question is, Are u willing ?

Hey guys! it has been a very rollercoaster week. it definitely has.
Up up up up up dowwwwwn dowwwn dowwwwwn Up dowwwn Up downn.

yups!
well.. Ups.
I've been really blessed eversince my entry about the dance workshop and all. really. So many things have been happening and i've been receiving so mucn love and care and blessings both right infront of me and in disguise. and i really thank God for every single one of them.

But also, last week, grandma got admitted to the hospital because she was pretty sick and doctors felt that it would be safer and better for her to be in the hospital where there are nurses doing constant check ups and etc. so yeah.. was really worried for her..

and i have been reaaaalllyyy busy lately. and at one point of time, i felt really worn out. That feeling you get when you tell yourself.. "I am only one person." Sighs.. but yeah it was as if so many things were happening at the exact same time and i had to choose. This, or that? and it was so difficult for me to make these choices and the consequences following from those choices. blaaahs. and also, i was pretty stressed up that my skype meeting with kim keep getting canceled or delayed because of so many things coming up. it was so difficult for me! i miss her so much.. and i had sooo many things to tell her. but it all got bottled up inside till after a while, they all started disappearing one by one. =/ hmm.

so yeah .. and a few other issues la. which made me pretty down.

but also, at the same time, alot of good things have been happening to me.
and that is why i was and still am trying to not let bad things erase the good things so easily.

This quote really touched my heart.

" The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are. " - Max Lucado 


Isn't that so true?
the minute u make one mistake, all of a sudden, u became the person who never cared. something i went through quite recently.. and when i came across this quote.. i felt like it really related to me.

Also, i've been thinking about comfort.
You know how you are always on guard when your around people.. whether ur hair looks nice.. whether u are in shape.. whether u are pleasing to their eyes.. we can deny it all we want. But the truth is that we DO CARE about what others think. whether or not you realize it. thats just natural. a natural thing if u ask me. being self conscious. So yeah.. i was trying to list down the names of people whom i feel comfortable with. Where i can be in a total mess but have that secure feeling that even after what they have seen, they will still look at me in the same way, they will still love and care for me like how they have,all this while.

You see, i am a person who is yes, sociable and friendly and yada yada. but the truth is, i may seem to warm up to people very quickly. But to actually be comfortable with someone? it takes me a very long long time. where i'm alright showing you freaky faces and yet still know that you will look at me in the same way. Or showing you the side of me that not many people have seen. or even jogging, exercising, where i look all sweaty and lobster-fied. Truth is, i do care. and that is why i dont usually do sports with people i am not close to. You'd be surprise but think about how long you've known me. (to those who actually know me. lol. ) Ask yourself this question. Have i ever went swimming with you? Or jogging for that matter? or have u ever seen me all sweaty and eeeky and ewwwy?

=)

there u have it.

So yeah. I realize, there are not many people who i can say, I find comfort in and i feel comfortable,whenever i'm around them. Please dont get me wrong. This doesn't mean that i am not close to you or you are any less. I still appreciate and treasure you like i always have. its just that, i realize how long it actually takes me to be fully comfortable with someone. =)

ie : to let someone brush of my fringe that covers my bigggg biggg forhead and yet smile.. without frantically putting my fringe back into position to cover that forhead of mine.

the little little things. =D

just a portion of my thoughts and a little insight of Celineeee Yap. =P

But honestly, the feeling you get, when you can be completely you, without being self conscious when you are with someone who is not a family member. that feeling? it is priceless. it feels sooo good. and i've not been able to feel that way for quite a while. Exceptions of certain people of course. haha.

anywaaaays~! i have a very exciting story to share with you today.
Today, i woke up late for church. Benroy and I usually go for the morning service at 8.30am because we have dance at 1pm. so if we go for the 11am one, we would have to leave early or be late for dance. So, we went for the 11am service today. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?! Pastor Julie started picking a few people from the congregation and asked them to go on stage. And i was one of them. =) guess what happened next?! I was asked to LEAD WORSHIP! :O ! i was totally caught off guard! i was so shocked! i didn't even know what songs they were singing, and when they told me, i only knew the 1st song! *gasp!* the rest of the songs was like.. " HAH? " for me! but the other thing that surprised me.. was the fact that..

You see, i lead worship last time. on a frequent basis in St.Pauls. but i stopped leading for almost half a year now. because i wanted to set things straight with God and to get back on track. and i didn't think it was right for me to lead a congregation when i myself, am lost. so that is why i stopped. but when i shifted church, after a few months, i wanted to start serving again. but this new church, is so big. and there are already so many people serving. i didn't see any opportunity for me to serve and so, i just kept quiet and went to church like the rest. But today, when this happened, I felt as if God was forcing me onto the stage and saying.. " NAH! Go! u were waiting for an opportunity? This is it Kah May. This is It ! It is time, walk through this door that i have just opened for you. take it, and use it well. " My God is truly amazing.

Seek and u shall find. Ask and you shall receive.

I realize how God is always there. He always is.
and when you ask him for opportunities? He will give it to you. But according to His time. and to His will. And like the title of this entry..

Question is, Are you willing?
Are you willing to go for whatever that is in store for you?
are you willing to grab that opportunity when God opens a door for you?
Are you willing?

Many of us ask. But we doubt.
If you yourself dont even believe in what you are asking for, My question to you is..

What then are you expecting?!

So yeah. Back to my story. It was just so amazing how God spoke to me today. it was such a blessing indeed. with totally no practice or anything... I lead my church in worship today. =) Definitely couldn't have done it without God's guidance. All Glory to God! This day, will definitely be a day, i will never forget. The way God spoke to me? one word. Amazing. =')

Also! i have been receiving quite a few early birthday prezzies!
ahhh.. I feel so loved! :)!
Honestly, when people ask me what plans i have for my birthday this year?
i seriously have no clue at all. HAHA. Go to Uni. and come home. =D
we'll see how this week turns out.
NOW. i have to charge up for Criminal Law in a few hours time!
bad bad baaad. sleeping late before criminal law. when will i ever learn?! =P

xoxo.!