Saturday, January 24, 2015

Stuck in Between.

Sighs. My whole life, i've always been the middle person for almost every drama that passes by me. I hate it. I really do. Getting stuck in between the raging wars of two parties. Hah! what a joke. Just thought about how Lawyer's do that for a living.

But it sucks i tell you.
Especially when i'm neutral with both parties.

I really hate cleaning up other people's mess for them.
I have better things to do.
More things to care about than to get stuck in the middle of such wars.
It's so stressful.. I can't have a normal day when I myself am trying to recover from a terrible past few weeks. Sighs. And worse of all?

You somehow or rather end up being the bad person for preposterous reasons.
Mans. U have no idea how hard I am trying not to let all of this affect me.
And to actually have a normal happy day.


And when all you've done is help, somehow or rather you get taken for granted, unappreciated and worse still, shouted at.

I'm done.

I don't deserve any of this.
Not the slightest bit.

I think it's time to start making a conscious effort to just... Not Care.


Thursday, January 15, 2015

Time to start writing again.

Hello world,

I have been so busy living life that I've forgotten the joy i found in 'penning' down my deepest feelings and thoughts.

A whole lot of change has happened over time and I have definitely change as a person, if not entirely. A tonne of opportunities have come knocking at my door step and so have a tonne of challenges that i've had to face both physically and emotionally.

You see, I've always been this busy bee ever since time immemorial. Somehow, i've always found myself swamped in a tonne of responsibilities and activities. "She's defo an extrovert who needs to be busy all the time." But maybe not. Being completely overwhelmed sometimes, or almost always, most often than not leads me to become this anti-social person that really just need some 'alone-time'. Yes, surprise surprise, I have my anti-social moments as well. Be fooled not by the cover of my book.

That's why it's all the more.. precious? when i actually take the time and effort to catch up with a friend or ask them out for a catch up session. Despite me feeling anti-social and needing all the 'alone-time' that i can get, i choose to spend it on these handful of people. Hence why it's very disappointing or upsetting when they don't take my time seriously or do not make that effort to even try to catch up with me.

It's tough, keeping a friendship alive.. it really is.. Especially when everyone is just scattered all around. That's why tht effort has to be there and if it isn't then it just gets really exhausting..doing things one sided. But anyways, such is life and sometimes when friendships are lost I can tell myself "Oh well.. that's just a shame" but it doesn't change the fact tht i would definitely feel sad that things had to end. But then again, i'll get over this after a while.

Similarly with people judging me. I always tell myself, u know what, heck care what others think about you, as long as you like you, let them like you for you. But then it's most often easier said than done. It's tough not getting upset about the mean things people say about you really is..

Recently i've become more active in the commercial dance scene and I usually only accept hiphop dance gigs or styles that are in my comfort zone. But in December last year, i accepted a more 'girly-girl' gig tht would require me to dance in high heels and fancy gatsby burlesque kinda outfits. I was superrrr nervous about it because it was definitely something out of my comfort zone. It was my first time dancing in high heels! I've always been dancing in shoes all the way. haha. So yeah, it was nerve wrecking. And to make things worse, in this scene, people usually expect you to have a bikini body and if not, be skinny in order to fit the costumes that were tailored for super models. *big sigh* So there were times when I was at my lowest, feeling extremely down for having a bigger butt and chest which made the costumes too tight to dance in. It was a major self-esteem buster. I felt like, my gosh, u expect us to dance in these things? And if it was already tight for the skinny girls, what more for me? It was a tough moment for me.. a really tough time.. making me feel that i shouldn't accept these kinda shows in the future. Because it wasn't worth feeling that way. Feeling like I had to be of a certain body weight and size in order to fit in. So dancing really well isn't good enough. You had to have a bikini body too. So that really sucked and i dreaded being in the scene. I don't like being skinny and I love having boobs and ass. I'm proud of it. =P But it's just too bad that the world today perceives skinny as beautiful.

So likewise, it was easy for me to say, screw these tailored made costumes for super models. It's ridiculous! But it doesn't change the fact that it was a major self-esteem buster. And so whenever people make comments like, 'You're so smart and pretty.. you should also slim down abit more to be that perfect package..'

I mean come on guys! Who says stuffs like that?! I ain't your property, you ain't my manager, so leave me alone! My goodness. Some people have the lowest EQ of all times. Say brainless things without thinking about it first. I mean, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if i want to work out to be fit, that's my problem! So leave me be. Seriously. I'm so fed up of people judging me all the time, putting all these obscure standards of that which i should meet. The truth is, you can never please the world. So i definitely don't plan on giving two hoots about what you think i should be.

I will be whatever I WANT to be.
So if you have nothing nice to say, please, keep your opinions and comments to yourself. Because despite how strong and tough I can be, I too am human and I have feelings as well. Geez.

So yeah, that's just a portion of the things i've been going through inside. I don't often talk about it.. and i mostly just try to struggle through this battle within, alone. Ever since young, i've always taken all of these negative comments and opinions about me and use it as a motivation to PROVE EM' WRONG !!! But at times, I do have my vulnerable moments where my feelings just overwhelm me and then i start to feel upset and hurt about all that has been said and done. And I guess I am going through that moment right now.. but i've decided to blog about it this time.. Hopefully, i'll feel better..somehow.

Till next time.