Monday, December 26, 2011

Blessed Christmas! =)

Hey all!

Just wanna wish all of you a blessed christmas!
I'm suppose to be packing nowwww~! HUGE is tmr and i've not packed! CORRECTION. HUGE is in a few hours time, TODAY and i've not packed!

But i suddenly had this thought, and i felt like 'penning' it down. =)


when we give, anything at all. Be it presents, be it money, be it random stuffs. When the person we give, dont appreciate it. Or rather, dont show any appreciation or whatsoever, Dont we all feel like.. " Ngeeehhh, i bagi u present, u macam tak appreciate, tahun hadapan, tak nak bagi lagi.*folds arms, HMMPH*! " Dont we do tht? We feel like, "ohhh ok la, be tht way. nxt year no more prezzies for you!" Hahaha deny all u want k. But its only human to feel tht way when u feel like your effort is not appreciated.

I know quite a few people who are like that.
Every time, when i buy them gifts,
#1. When i give, they receive like .. " Ohh kk thx. *put present aside, continue doing their stuff* "
#2. They NEVER use whatever you buy them.
#3. They just dont appreciate lah!

So, to be honest, it can be quite discouraging. Very potong steam and potong semangat one la k. Really. Even just now, i was just thinking about it. " CYKM, why do u still give every year, when you know they just generally dont appreciate gifts?! why do you still waste your time,your money, your effort preparing gifts every year? if they dont appreciate, dont give la? not like they use it anyway? even if they do, not like they appreciate it anyways? well, they dont show that they appreciate it la. So why still give? so potong u know. =(  u dont even get to see their smile when they receive it. thats like, the most priceless thing when giving someone a gift. "

AND THEN.. i started to think.
" But eyh, maybe outside they act macho and all, but actually inside they really appreciate it? Maybe they do, but just dont show it? "

What do you have in mind when you Give?
Do you have any expectations or whtsoever? What is your definition of a Gift?
Shouldn't gifts be given, without expectations, without expecting anything in return?
what is your motive when you give?

I know it is only human to expect at LEAST, a smile. That one smile that could brighten up your day, telling you, " definitely worth it. coz the feeling of seeing them smile is priceless! "

But still,
Isn't it true? That despite their reaction when they receive it, despite whether they do appreciate it or not, isn't it still called, a Gift?
freely given, with no strings attached?

When God gave us His only begotten son, Did he say, "Hey look here, my son, my ONLY son, is going to die for all your sins, Because of that, you MUST worship me, or AT LEAST, give credits to my son's name. His name must be publicized, his suffering must be acknowledged! U SHALL do this and tht and tht, because He died in your place, your soul is now mine.... "

He did not. He sent His ONLY son, to be born as human, and to die, a painful death on the cross, taking our place for all the sins we humans have done, just so that we could be connected with God again, without sin, being the barrier.

This I call, a Gift.

One that is given freely, with no strings attached.
One that is given out of Love.
One that is given not because of the works you have done, But one that is given by the Grace of God.

The misconception of the word "Gift" nowadays is quite sad.
They go " BUY this and this and this and you will get a FREE GIFT. "
Right. free gift konon. ;)


Unless you...
Give, with a willing heart,
Give, with no expectations *although i know it is quite hard not to have the slightest expectation*
Give, without expecting anything in return.

How in the world is whatever you're giving called a gift?! =P

Blessed Christmas Everyone!
I hope you've been blessed this CHRIST-mas,
as Jesus is definitely the reason for this season. =)
Its not abt the gifts,not abt santa,not abt the fancy decos and snowmans, But has and always will be about My savior, My father, My Lord, My God. =)

1 week left till 2012 arrives!
I hope all us will be able to resolve whatever conflicts we have and welcome/start the new year with a smile.  =)

Blessed Christmas and a Happy new year!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It's funny how people can have such contrasting views.

When you're in a certain situation.
One might want to switch places with you, anytime of the day.
One, on the other hand, might dread being in the position he/she is in.

Why now?


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Because today i'm Happy. =)

Ahhh guess wht guess wht guess wht?!!!!

I received a package from london today!
A box filled with love,memories and smiles! and surprises and sweetness!
Have not smiled or felt this happy since 2 months ago!
Happy got la, but not this happy!

You got me KOJL. =)
U caught me by surprise!
ahhh.. i just LOVEEEE receiving things by post!
they're somehow so much more meaningful. the time and effort and love put into preparing the package? something money can never buy. =)

Anyways. Something i realized and somehow just felt like 'penning' it down.
I realized one of the reasons why I dont easily open up to people.
Not just merely opening up, but more like, opening up my heart and letting someone into my life be it a very close friend or someone special.

When I do open up to someone, i tend to share alot of things that are very dear to me with them. All sorts of things. My favorite makan place, my favorite shopping/hang out place, my favorite park, my day to day happenings, my childhood memories, my favorite songs, my secret getaway, special places that i've discovered that is like, SUPER AWESOME, these places, only a few i have brought. my favorite radio station, favorite movies, etc!

so so so so so many things lah.
But what happens when they disappear from my life?
what then?

everytime i go to my favorite makan place,park,shopping place, movies,songs,radio stations, food etc, I remember these people whom i've shared it with. Each and every single one of them. Whether or not they are still in my life or not. If they are, happy memories they shall be. If they aren't, they're happy memories that ended with a twist.

Now, these places or things that i've shared mean a great lot to me. But when certain people are no longer in my life, the pain/hurt/sad memories/ etc lingers in these places or things as well. So much so, as much as i love going to these places, when i DO go back to these places, i cant help but have a walk down memory lane.

Sighs. this has happened to me so many times.
And it really is crappy when things or places that you love so much are associated with the sad memories,hurt,pain,and sadness as well. Its something like giving your favourite toy to someone. Entrusting him/her to take care and handle it with love. but in the end, when things dont turn out right, the toy is somehow, idk la damaged? that whenever u play with that toy again, u see the scars imprinted on it. Each scar, holding its very own story.

Random realization about myself. =)
One of the many reasons.
hehs. No wonder I dont easily open up to people. =)
Its no wonder.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sleep Deprived like no ones business! :O

Hey dear readers!

I have been soooo stressed out and tired the past 2 weeks! Busy busy bee! 
Good news is, One of my major events for december has come to pass! =)
yessss, the christmas party is now over and now, I've been busy preparing for the upcoming dance competition/performance at my Uni's Gala Night this thursday!
Time is flying like *swwwoooooooshhh~!* the wind. ANYWAYS! in case u are wondering how the christmas party went, well, apparently it was a big success! Thats what others have been telling me. =) But i'll blog about it in detail when i get them pichas. =)

Yesterday, I went for a family dinner at Desa Parkcity's Secret Recipe.
Dinner with the uncles, aunties, cousins and grandma.
Compared to our previous dinners, this was how it looked like most of the time.

Yupp.. how most family dinners look like nowadays.

What happened to spending time with people?

what happened to dinner like these? 
I miss it.

People nowadays spend so much time on things and less on people.
Shouldn't it be the other way round?

Call me old fashioned.
But up till now, i still believe that it is common courtesy not to use any of your gadgets when you're at the dinner table. even if you were waiting for your food to come and you have nothing else to do.

Anyways, Grandma became hypoglycemic the minute we reached the restaurant. The minute stepped out of the car, she suddenly felt all dizzy and sick. She took insulin before we left the house but i guess she waited too long before she took food in. She was feeling very sick, moody, hungry but no appetite. At that point of time, she needed loads of attention. She did get alot of attention, but only for a while. It was quite difficult. We tried to order coffee for her, but she still felt dizzy. We asked her if pasta would be okay for her and she said okay but after taking the first bite, she rejected the pasta immediately. She said it taste weird. We then asked her what she wanted to eat, she wanted mash potatoes, So aunt went out to buy mash potatoes because secret recipe didn't serve mash potatoes. Aunt came back with the mash potatoes, likewise, after the first bite, she pushed it aside and shook her head from side to side. Cousin bought her sweets. Those sweets to soothe her throat and idk, they thought letting her eat sweets would make her feel better and maybe stabilize her sugar level. Long story short, it was quite difficult to find out what she wanted and all and we all really tried our best to find ways to make her feel better but none of it seemed to work.

After a while, most of them felt fed up or maybe annoyed.
I didn't say much. But i just tried to understand her. Kept checking on her, asking if she wanted anything else. To be honest, i couldn't really enjoy myself or take my eyes off her. I kept checking on her from time to time. Seeing her so sick made me really worried. That kind of feeling you get when you want to help someone but you just dont know how to. I took an opportunity to get away from the table and went for a stroll around the park. Ahhhh... I just love walking around that park. I just feel so at peace when i'm there. Even though i was alone, it felt really good. Having some time alone, some time to myself after all the hectic and busy days/weeks/months i've been having. That park holds alot of memories.. both happy and sad ones. But i still love the place alot la. My getaway place. =)

Anyways, i quickly went back into the restaurant before ppl started looking for me. Haha.. After a while, when nothing seemed to work, i took her out for a walk, to get some fresh air. And to my surprise! despite how painful her leg is when she walks, she felt better! =))) was so happy when she started talking more..and asking me if there was any suitable food for her that she could eat. Which meant her appetite was back! =) I then was reminded of something that i've realized before.

As Kids, we're usually all sulky, we constantly need attention, we constantly need the care of people, we constantly need to know that we are loved. We're picky. we get upset easily. we throw random tantrums. 


Dont you think both kids and old people share quite similar characteristics? 
They're grumpy. They're so sensitive. They're picky, they just want things to be how it has always been, they dont like change. they throw random tantrums, they need to know that they are still loved, they need to feel loved and cared for all the time, and they need alot of your time and attention.

Why then isit okay for Kids to do it and not for older people? If Kids get all the attention they want, Shouldn't we give more attention to our grandparents/parents when they're old and grey?

Its like a cycle. u start out like this, and you somehow, end life like this. You start with diapers, you end up with diapers as well in the end. Just that, you've bigger diapers. =P I dont know lah.. It's just sometimes quite sad to see how people tend to see older people as a burden when they start to become dependent. When they can no longer live life independently. When they constantly need your time and attention. This is the time, when they need us the most. But sadly, most people leave them when they need us most. Dont get me wrong, i'm not saying that it is easy to take care of them, take care of their feelings. its like taking care of a really really big baby and it can become really frustrating at times. Especially for people who are very busy and filled with responsibilities. 

Dont only look at our grandparents la. Look at our parents. Even if they're only at their 50s, trust me, they start getting all sensitive and all even at this age. Sometimes you feel like, Aiyoh, You so old edy still wanna act like a small kid. GAAAH.
But i guess this is just how life is. Really. Dont you think so? 

Things i've been pondering on.

AND yes. I have been VERY VERY VERY MUCH SLEEP DEPRIVED! it's scary. Because even my lecturers are noticing how exhausted i look/am. Haha.. my criminal law lecturer kept asking me " You okay? " ever since last week! And i am so tired that it takes me hours of effort before i can finally bring myself to bathe! LOL. the minute i reach home, i died on the sofa. slept for an hour, woke up, *go bathe go bathe!* walk upstairs, died on the sofa upstairs. After a few hours, wake up *omgosh go bathe laaa~!!!* go into my room to take clothes, die again on my bed. hahaaa... MY GOODNESSSSSSSS! i'm so tired that i keep falling asleep wherever i go. And i am not proud to say that for the pass 2 days, i've been so tired to the point where i was on the verge of dozing off while driving. VERY DANGEROUS I KNOW! and that is why, i forced myself to take a super long nap just now. Slept from 5.30pm till 9pm. So happy, finally got to reach home while it is still bright today. And i'm gonna try to sleep before 1am later. which means, in another 42 minutes! =P Yeah, very serious edy. Tired to that extend. Very bad very bad. So anyways, please continue to keep me in prayer. I've still my upcoming dance competition, my cg's christmas party, my church's new year's eve dance, and the long awaited HUGE camp! =D i cant wait for the 17th to come. I'll be more free after the 16th. cant wait! i hope i get to have more time to myself after this week. 

And nyahahahaaa, i cant wait to see me on tv this saturday. =PPPP


Sunday, December 04, 2011

Dont Forget, Dont Forget.

I've realized a couple of things in the past week.

#1: In any arguments or debates,

The minute someone starts to feel attacked, or becomes defensive, nothing good comes out of the debate or arguments. Why so? I dont know about your experience, but usually in mine? People dont exactly answer the questions thrown at them the minute they are on attack mode. All they do is attack attack and shoot. People dont make any sense when they're on attack mode. Dont you think so? During one of my class tutorials, as usual, we'd have presentations,followed by questions to the group presenting. I realized how they didn't answer my question even after i've repeated em over and over again. First, second third time i repeat, still, no answer. by the fifth time i repeated myself, i thought they couldn't understand my question, so i tried to ask them in all sorts of ways to help them understand my question. But after a while, i realize, You know what? theres no point asking them again. When I ask, they shoot back with a totally different issue. They start defending their point. But no answers given to my question. And the debates never end. it just keeps going on and on and round and round in circles with nothing being achieved by the end of the discussion.

People in general tend to do the exact same thing during arguments. Its no wonder why arguments always seem so pointless. Nothing makes sense. Well, most of the time nothing makes sense. You just end up fanning a bigger flame, you end up with hearts and feelings hurt, you end up with words you wished you never said. words, you apparently did not mean. But then again, if you did not mean it, why then did you say it? this puzzles me even up till now. Everytime after a fight, people come to you and apologize and say sorry for what they said and that they didn't mean it. Really? how's tht possible? I'm not dumb. I know that it's apparently,possible. But i seriously dont see the logic in it larh. really. when you're angry, you say things to get back at that person or to hurt that person. You WANT to do it. and you had all intentions to say whatever you said. So how can you not mean it? Maybe you can feel regretful of saying what you said la, But the "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. " ? Hmm. I'll leave you to ponder.

#2: Responsibilities and challenges.

You want to do this, that AND that. Or responsibilities that you didn't ask for come flying towards you. Most of us, when we commit and agree to do something, we always start out with this burning flame. this fire. But when challenges come, when the pressure sets in, when things get so out of hand, when the stress is overwhelming, we all burn out. We forget the very first reason why we even got ourselves involve in any of this in the first place! Many people wish they had such opportunities and responsibilities in their lives. Some, they wish they never had any of this. I have to be honest with you. I'm facing a load of stress,chaos and pressure. As the 9th draws nearer, so many things have been going out of hand. So many issues that suddenly came out of no where! The team, shaken up. I somehow knew such things would happen as the 9th drew nearer. But I wasn't prepared for any of this. I was totally caught off guard. And i'm left with so many unanswered questions. Being a middle person is no fun. No fun at all. But I always seem to get this role. hehs.

You know what? I realize how we tend to start, looking at all of this as opportunities, but end, looking at all of this as burdens. it shouldn't be like this. it shouldn't. We let our emotions get the better of us. We let all these external pressure and stress get to us, till we forget why/how we even started out.

I think this happens even in relationships between couples. You start out, all mushy and sweet. And when all the never ending fights starts happening? You ask yourself, Why am I even in this relationship in the first place?

Dont we All? hehs.

Sometimes, my plate gets so full, till i no longer see the joy and purpose in doing all of this.I forget. I get so tensed and stressed till I forget why i'm doing what i'm doing. But it shouldn't be like this, Kah May. When the going gets tough, cling on to God's strength and wisdom even more. Praise Him even more for trusting you so much that he trust you enough to get by. To get through all these challenges. To carry out all this responsibilities. Because He will never give you something you cannot handle. You should praise Him even more that he finds such favour in you to entrust you with all of these responsibilities. You should thank Him for giving you all these opportunities to bless others. You should thank Him for giving you all these talents that you are now using in whatever ways. You should thank Him for letting you experience things not many people in their normal lives get to experience. Yes, it may be really hard, it may be very overwhelming, it may even bring you to edge, lead you to breaking point, but all of these, you should embrace with thanksgiving in your heart.

Dont forget, dont forget that He is constantly watching over you.
I'm currently in a situation where things looks almost impossible to be settled or fixed. I cannot. But He can. He can.. I dont know how I am going to settle all of these ill feelings and conflicts in these few days, i really dont. But I really hope that God will help me find a way.

Use me Lord, guide me and lead me.
I feel so lost. I feel so small. I feel like i'm not good enough to clean up all these mess. I know I cant, on my own. I really need God to be with me.

"The world may fade, You will remain. In the midst of the trial, With Hope and light, You reign over all. Though my heart may fail,You will always be, i'll sing, Our God never fails, Our God never fails.  Praise in the morning, praise in the evening, praise when i'm laughing, praise when i'm grieving, There will be dancing, there will be singing, upon injustice we will tell of our God. The Hope of all heart is you, Your love never fails. Your Love never fails. In darkness, in trial, my soul shall sing of His mercy and Kindness."


Friday, December 02, 2011

December Already?!


Hey All! I cant believe december is already here! Usually, this would be the busiest month of the year for me because of performances in the shopping malls, old folks home etc. But this year, My december is definitely going to be a different one. Since i couldn't commit to AFC this year, i thought i'd have a pretty free schedule in december. Turns out? I'm busy. every single day of december except for maybe 3-4 days! :O!

Gosh. How scary. =/ I didn't realize i was THIS busy until i penned down all my plans for the month. If you're wondering what in the world can a girl of my age be so busy with? Well, I've been really busy planning and organizing an upcoming christmas party that will be held in my Uni. Few months back, I started joining the CF in my Uni. I saw a need for change, and I was definitely determined to make a change in my uni's cf, and hopefully, in my whole uni. And so, i've been really committed to my CF and all of a sudden! I'm the deputy chairperson for the Christmas Project ! I am really encouraged to see the changes that are happening in my cf. To see how our CF is quickly growing! So yes, on the 9th of December, We'll be having a christmas party in my Uni. We'll be inviting 70 orphans to join us. We've also started a christmas tree project where we set up a Christmas Tree in the college and whoever who wishes to bless one of the kids with a gift, could buy a gift, wrap it, and place it under the tree. We've also got a wish list from each and every single one of the kids. Their names, their age, and what they want for christmas. And believe me, we seriously intend to fulfill every single wish we've received. =) Even if it means buying a bicycle for a 14 and 9 year old girl. 

So you see, not only the plannings of the event and yada yada was keeping me busy, but interacting with the students in my uni, talking to the college staff to see what they could help us with, sponsors, training a group of people for a sign language performance for the event, caroling practice, getting the equipment, musical instruments, and alot of other stuffs. It is definitely not easy getting so much done in such a short time. But despite all the stress, pressure, energy used up to get all of these done, I really look forward to the 9th. To share and spend Christmas with 70 orphans, to be a blessing, to share with so many other people, the true meaning of christmas. It's not about santa, definitely not about snowmans or reindeers, but the celebration of the Birth of Jesus Christ. =)

SO YES. i've been really really busy organizing this upcoming party! Baru did all the shopping for the party packs just now. It was fun but it was definitely tiring! Pengsan weih. @_@ Also, The week after the 9th, would be my Uni's Gala Night on the 15th of Dec. Guess what? I'll be competing/performing. I didn't want to at first, but i knew how much my friend wanted to participate and so, i agreed. So we've like dance practice every evening after class! up to 7pm plus.. or prolly later starting next week onwards. So yes, dance pracs alone takes up almost half of my time! What about my Law Classes?! =S my studies.. they're keeping me SUPER DUPER BUSY as well! 

This saturday, i'll also be choreographing a dance for my church's New year's eve service! Very soon, when the choreography is done, dance pracs for church will start! I really wonder how and when i'm gonna slot that in because i am almost packed everyday! And Eunice Mei will be coming up to KL just to spend time with me and to see me on Monday. AT THE SAME TIME.. sis will be coming up as well with Josh and Maegan. Sis have some teacher's training thing in KL. WHO TAKES CARE OF THE BABIES THEN?! :O .................................... *drops to the ground*  and right after prom, on the 16th, My CG will be having a house christmas party. And on the 26th - 29th i'll be going to HUGE camp.

So many things happening at the same time. So many issues on my mind, still unresolved. So many responsibilities, so little time and i'm only one person and my health hasn't been helping much! Haven't been in the best of health recently. Anyways, i really really really hope that everything will go well. I can tell you this, I will definitely not be able to survive the next 2 weeks if i relied solely on my strength alone. Definitely cannot make it. I really need to learn, especially at this point of time, to lean not on my own understanding but to trust in the Lord my God with all my heart and with all my soul. To rely on His strength and not mine. 

To be honest, my head, right now, it feels like it could explode at any second now. Theres just too much going on up in there! 

Lord, I really need to learn how to rely on Your strength and not solely on mine. Please teach me, how to lean not on my own understanding but on Yours. Please guide me, lead me, give me wisdom, give me patience, give me peace so that the stress and pressure will not get the better of me and most of all, please give me your strength to get through the upcoming hectic,stressful and busy 2 weeks. Please let me not be let by my emotions, but by Your spirit. I pray that my emotions will not get the better of me. Thank You so much Lord, for everything. For all the opportunities you have given me, for all the people You have brought into my life, for all the blessings that I have received so that I can bless others as well and for bringing me through tough times even when I thought I wouldn't make it through. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I know, I know He is always watching over me. Sometimes, I may not see it, but when i do? The same line keeps playing in my head like a broken record.
" What greater love is there, than this? "

I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me.