So here I am, awaiting the results of the CLP examinations to come out..
At the end of my student life and just really trying to figure out " Where do i go from here?"
I've been such a terrible blog keeper.. but then again, I don't blame myself.. CLP was a crazy and tough journey.. But that's a story for another day..
I'm here today to blog about the sacrifices that I have made in order to prioritize my studies.. Sadly, dance was one of em. & now i am feeling the painful after effects of doing so..
I used to dance at least once every week for a few years in a row.. until I got so busy with my studies that I could no longer afford the luxury of doing so anymore.. =( And everytime i was in the midst of revision, i'd see all my other dance mates perform here and there, go for competitions and basically grow and bloom from where they once were. I always feel so crappy after exams because i feel all rusty and all noobie once again. Sighs.... i really hate that feeling so much.....
The feeling of everyone else moving forward... except you.
Everyone growing and getting better... except you.
In fact, i felt like i was moving backwards... from the intense training i used to go through every week to occasional performances here and there.. and especially when it was just commercial performances but not something technical like the ones i used to do when i went for competitions etc.. Sighs...
Inevitably, i've become rusty. I've lost my touch. My groove. I'm not as sharp as i used to be. I don't dance as clean as i used to.. I feel like i'm just back at square one and sometimes, i feel like i'm even further back than square one. Sighs. I really hate the feeling of starting over all over again.. especially when dance is concerned. Because it's something that I love so much. But then whenever i get upset about my current position as a dancer, people always tell me that I have to move on, it's time to grow up, your career in the future won't allow you to have time for this anyway.....
But they don't understand that dance was that one place that I could escape and just be free.. to do something i love, just because i love it.
But it sucks watching your old videos, looking at how good you once were and how rusty you are now.. I don't really know how to explain the feeling.. but it's definitely one that i detest the most. =( For other things like getting my stamina back, getting fit and toned again after all the flabby months of revision and exams, that... I can handle. But not for dance.....
It's so painful to dance now, look at yourself in the mirror and feel like.. Gosh.. I suck now. T_T ='( Super sad can? Sighs.......
And this is probably the worse i've felt because final year and clp were the two years that i've really sacrificed my training for dance.. my practices.. I only did occasional easy performances here and there and that didn't really keep me in check. So i've not practiced seriously for two years plus now.. the longest i've stayed away from dance.. and it's so painful to be where I am now.. Sighs... ='(
Of course, I aim to get back my groove and all in the time that i have while awaiting my results before i step into the working world.. for real. I wanna do as many dance videos as I can in this one month that I have left and of course, try my best to improve in each video..
But then yeah lah.. I just hate starting all over again. It's so painful. =(((
Life. & the sacrifices that comes with the choices that you make... and the consequences that follows after.
*cries a river*