Saturday, October 22, 2011

Last Entry. For now..

Hey dear readers..

i've been feeling this way for quite some time.. but i just left these feelings and thoughts to linger on without doing anything about them. You know, i happen to be someone who likes to share my Life with all of my friends..and i guess in this case (my blog) with the rest of the world as well.. Especially to people whom i want to be close to. I tend to want to share alot with them.. Because i really believe that if I really want to be closer to someone, You just cant keep secrets from them? It has always been a part of me.. to just want to share things with people whom i close to. Things about me.. things that happen in my life.. and to some extend, secrets in My Life. Sometimes, i really wish i wasn't like this. Sometimes, i really wish that i was a more conservative person. I wish that i wouldn't pour out so much so quickly. I somehow view this part of me as something that is not good. A weakness. I seriously don't understand how others view this part of me as something that is admirable. i really don't.

To be honest, Sometimes, i really do feel that, because i share so much with someone, later on.. sooner or later.. I get taken for granted. And this has happened. true story. taken for granted in the sense that.. Oh.. i know so much about her without having to make that much effort.. So nice, she tells me stuffs without me having to ask. And what happens next? Somehow, you wouldn't bother to make anymore effort to get to know me more. to know me better. and i just keep giving and giving and giving.. until i run dry.

Same goes with blogging and facebook. I blog because i have friends all over the world. And i guess the easiest way to update you guys, is through this blog. You know what? Updates of my Life and all are so readily there.. and easy to access.. and you know.. its just there. Right in front of you. how i am.. whats going on and etc. But somehow, i just get this feeling that because everything is just there, right in front of you, I guess you guys just dont find a reason to make the effort to come and ask me personally? Like, for wht right? coz everything is already there. Here in this blog. or On facebook. So much so that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who are watching over me.. constantly updating themselves about me and my whereabouts.. vast amount of people who apparently are watching over me and people who care for me.. But vast amount of people who i dont even know is there? Honestly? honestly sometimes i really feel so alone. I know, I know that there are SO MANY of you out there who really cares for me still.. and you are so called still.. 'there' or 'here'. but the thing is, i realize that i've not the slightest clue about who does care and who is there. i really wouldn't know.

and thats why, i've always wondered... What if i disappeared from the internet world for a while? where updates about me are no longer made available? how many people would actually take the time and make the effort to actually find out how i'm doing and etc?

The very same question has lingered in my thoughts for a very long time. But i guess right now, at this moment, i am really starting to feel it. to feel taken for granted. its really hitting me.. and i guess its time i did something about the way i'm feeling..i've push aside my feelings for quite a while.. i tend to do that. suppress it and leave it deep down under. but its starting to really get to me.

I dont know why, but right now, i just feel like building this wall.. and just stay behind this wall.. away from everyone else. to stay in my shell.. and hide from the rest of the world. I love to share my life with close and loved ones. But after a while, i dont know why but they get the idea as if i HAVE to share my feelings, my thoughts with them..because i HAVE to.. i just have to. But that is the complete opposite of why i do what i do. I tell you things... i want to tell you about my day.. and just share things about My Life with you because i WANT to. i want you to know more about me. I want our relationship to grow stronger. But in the end, these things get taken for granted. As if i Have to. and it really hurts me. it really does.

So this will be my last entry, for now.
Till i'm feeling better.. and till i feel its okay to come back.
I really hope i didn't offend or hurt anyone in this entry. i really have no intention or whatsoever to point fingers and to make you feel bad.. I just wanted to really share my true feelings.. from deep down under.. with you.

Till next time,


  1. Yeo Chaur Jang11:21 PM

    In fact, it's ok to feel so. Take your time for a break and be the 'Celine Yap Kah May' that we know.. Till then, take care.. :)

  2. All of us wish that our lives wasn't what it is now. But it is in this life that God has called us to live and thus we should live it as Christ would have