Last Entry. For now..

Hey dear readers..

i've been feeling this way for quite some time.. but i just left these feelings and thoughts to linger on without doing anything about them. You know, i happen to be someone who likes to share my Life with all of my friends..and i guess in this case (my blog) with the rest of the world as well.. Especially to people whom i want to be close to. I tend to want to share alot with them.. Because i really believe that if I really want to be closer to someone, You just cant keep secrets from them? It has always been a part of me.. to just want to share things with people whom i close to. Things about me.. things that happen in my life.. and to some extend, secrets in My Life. Sometimes, i really wish i wasn't like this. Sometimes, i really wish that i was a more conservative person. I wish that i wouldn't pour out so much so quickly. I somehow view this part of me as something that is not good. A weakness. I seriously don't understand how others view this part of me as something that is admirable. i really don't.

To be honest, Sometimes, i really do feel that, because i share so much with someone, later on.. sooner or later.. I get taken for granted. And this has happened. true story. taken for granted in the sense that.. Oh.. i know so much about her without having to make that much effort.. So nice, she tells me stuffs without me having to ask. And what happens next? Somehow, you wouldn't bother to make anymore effort to get to know me more. to know me better. and i just keep giving and giving and giving.. until i run dry.

Same goes with blogging and facebook. I blog because i have friends all over the world. And i guess the easiest way to update you guys, is through this blog. You know what? Updates of my Life and all are so readily there.. and easy to access.. and you know.. its just there. Right in front of you. how i am.. whats going on and etc. But somehow, i just get this feeling that because everything is just there, right in front of you, I guess you guys just dont find a reason to make the effort to come and ask me personally? Like, for wht right? coz everything is already there. Here in this blog. or On facebook. So much so that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who are watching over me.. constantly updating themselves about me and my whereabouts.. vast amount of people who apparently are watching over me and people who care for me.. But vast amount of people who i dont even know is there? Honestly? honestly sometimes i really feel so alone. I know, I know that there are SO MANY of you out there who really cares for me still.. and you are so called still.. 'there' or 'here'. but the thing is, i realize that i've not the slightest clue about who does care and who is there. i really wouldn't know.

and thats why, i've always wondered... What if i disappeared from the internet world for a while? where updates about me are no longer made available? how many people would actually take the time and make the effort to actually find out how i'm doing and etc?

The very same question has lingered in my thoughts for a very long time. But i guess right now, at this moment, i am really starting to feel it. to feel taken for granted. its really hitting me.. and i guess its time i did something about the way i'm feeling..i've push aside my feelings for quite a while.. i tend to do that. suppress it and leave it deep down under. but its starting to really get to me.

I dont know why, but right now, i just feel like building this wall.. and just stay behind this wall.. away from everyone else. to stay in my shell.. and hide from the rest of the world. I love to share my life with close and loved ones. But after a while, i dont know why but they get the idea as if i HAVE to share my feelings, my thoughts with them..because i HAVE to.. i just have to. But that is the complete opposite of why i do what i do. I tell you things... i want to tell you about my day.. and just share things about My Life with you because i WANT to. i want you to know more about me. I want our relationship to grow stronger. But in the end, these things get taken for granted. As if i Have to. and it really hurts me. it really does.

So this will be my last entry, for now.
Till i'm feeling better.. and till i feel its okay to come back.
I really hope i didn't offend or hurt anyone in this entry. i really have no intention or whatsoever to point fingers and to make you feel bad.. I just wanted to really share my true feelings.. from deep down under.. with you.

Till next time,
xoxo.!

The exact thoughts in My head.

Put down in statements/quotes/pictures.

whatever you call them.

xoxo.!

Mmm..

You know, i've been thinking alot lately.
One true fact.

Sometimes we get so annoyed and frustrated when someone does something all the time.. Like, a close friend teasing you and calling you names.. or a parent who constantly nags you to blow your hair dry.. or to drink more water.. or to go down and eat your dinner.. to sleep early.. or a close friend constantly smacking you for no good reason.

All these things.. At present times, we may wish it would just STOP! coz it can get pretty annoying.. irritating.. whatever you wanna label it. But one true fact about this? You'd realize that once they finally stop doing what they've always done, You will miss it.. SO BADLY. You'd wish it never stopped. You'd wish things would go back to the way it used to be.

Likewise, a friend getting upset or angry with you easily..
Sometimes you'd feel.. oh gossssh.. so easy angry! like tht also angry! and yada yada..
or.. Why so easy emo ?! she always emo-ing! emo kid!

But when they stop feeling all these things towards you..
You'd suddenly feel a wall between the both of you and you'd feel like.. Man.. why doesn't he or she get angry with me anymore? why dont he/she get upset when i do this anymore?!

Simple.
The reason why they feel all these feelings towards you because of your actions and all.. it's cause they care for you.. and you mean something to them. If you meant nothing, and you were just another hi bye person, Do you think they'd care feeling this way? Likewise with family members. The reason why they nag you or siblings, when we easily get upset with each other.. its because they love you. it is because you mean something to them and they care.. and that is why they feel upset or get easily angry when you do whtever you do. well, this isn't always the case..

sometimes some people are just so sensitive and emotional. But i am speaking from an average..normal.. person perspective? hahaha.. i dunno.. but yeah.. i realize that many times we ask ourselves this question.. " Why do i even bother?! " and you feel so angry with yourself for caring SO much! U feel like, they dont even deserve such care and love from me! But in the end, you still do whatever you do, because you care and you love and they mean something to you. Also, then again, Who Is deserving of such care and love? we're all humans. we all make mistakes. =)

I constantly have a battle with myself.
All the time. when i'm caught up in certain situations.. i'd bomb myself with a million questions. Why are you doing this?! Why cant you just let it go and care less? Why can't you just ................. ~ and the list goes on. Sometimes, i feel stupid for continuing to do something that secretly hurts me. But that have always been my weakness. I'd rather suppress all my feelings and hide it behind a smile than see the person that i care for feel bad or feel sad. Lets just say i dont really care about what i feel. or rather, i choose to keep what i feel, deep down inside. All to myself. and deal with it myself. I know this isn't a healthy thing to do. Sometimes, instead of making the relationship better, it kills the relationship. But its just SO DIFFICULT for me to tell someone, Hey, look here,you really really hurt me this time. BUT if i do tell you, if i do confront you, it's something really Big and something really difficult for me to do.. but the fact that i still push myself to do it? You must mean a great deal to me. hahaa.. so semua-semua yang pernah diconfronted, bangga lah anda. =P unless of course, we've never had such conflicts in our friendships till now. haha. =D

Aihs anyways, i've just been having alot on my mind lately larhs..
So confusing and complicating. =(

I guess the conclusion for this entry is ..to not take for granted, whatever you have now. Even though sometimes you may find it annoying.. trust me. You'll miss it when they stop.

xoxo.!

Thank You All. =)!

Hey all!

I've been good.. and i just want to thank everyone again.. For all the wishes presents and love! I truly feel blessed to have such amazing family and friends in My Life.. =)

I will blog about my birthday soon. But i guess one word to describe my birthday this year? Different. This year, it was different..

I've been really busy the past week! So many things going on.. and i've been busy going out.. ahahha..yes..been going out ALOT. and i guess the pass few days have been so hectic that this week i just feel so tired so easily! believe it or not, i have been sleeping pretty early since sunday. HAHA. tht ws like yday..

but yesss.. have been sleep deprived!
AND GUESS WHAT?! I finally got myself a Baju Kurung and a Punjabi suit! how cool right?! really happy about it! =D =D =D

and.. i've been deep in thoughts.. once again.
thinking and thinking.. so many questions left unanswered..

yeah i btr stop now before i go on and on and on.
will update u guys as soon as possible!
right now, my studies are starting to get pretty hectic..
i can already feel its work load and i feel as if i've not enough time!
so yeah, been pretty busy.
but since last time till now, i will always strongly hold on to the view that no matter how busy i am, i will always try to make tine for the people who are close to my heart. I really do try. and it is no excuse for me to say tht im busy. It takes effort. But it definitely shouldn't be an excuse. And I know myself, that despite how busy i am.. i definitely can spare a lil time for the ones i love..for the ones who mean something to me.

xoxo.!

Time. Thats all its ever been..

Sighs.

Question is, Are u willing ?

Hey guys! it has been a very rollercoaster week. it definitely has.
Up up up up up dowwwwwn dowwwn dowwwwwn Up dowwwn Up downn.

yups!
well.. Ups.
I've been really blessed eversince my entry about the dance workshop and all. really. So many things have been happening and i've been receiving so mucn love and care and blessings both right infront of me and in disguise. and i really thank God for every single one of them.

But also, last week, grandma got admitted to the hospital because she was pretty sick and doctors felt that it would be safer and better for her to be in the hospital where there are nurses doing constant check ups and etc. so yeah.. was really worried for her..

and i have been reaaaalllyyy busy lately. and at one point of time, i felt really worn out. That feeling you get when you tell yourself.. "I am only one person." Sighs.. but yeah it was as if so many things were happening at the exact same time and i had to choose. This, or that? and it was so difficult for me to make these choices and the consequences following from those choices. blaaahs. and also, i was pretty stressed up that my skype meeting with kim keep getting canceled or delayed because of so many things coming up. it was so difficult for me! i miss her so much.. and i had sooo many things to tell her. but it all got bottled up inside till after a while, they all started disappearing one by one. =/ hmm.

so yeah .. and a few other issues la. which made me pretty down.

but also, at the same time, alot of good things have been happening to me.
and that is why i was and still am trying to not let bad things erase the good things so easily.

This quote really touched my heart.

" The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God's love. He loves you right where you are. " - Max Lucado 


Isn't that so true?
the minute u make one mistake, all of a sudden, u became the person who never cared. something i went through quite recently.. and when i came across this quote.. i felt like it really related to me.

Also, i've been thinking about comfort.
You know how you are always on guard when your around people.. whether ur hair looks nice.. whether u are in shape.. whether u are pleasing to their eyes.. we can deny it all we want. But the truth is that we DO CARE about what others think. whether or not you realize it. thats just natural. a natural thing if u ask me. being self conscious. So yeah.. i was trying to list down the names of people whom i feel comfortable with. Where i can be in a total mess but have that secure feeling that even after what they have seen, they will still look at me in the same way, they will still love and care for me like how they have,all this while.

You see, i am a person who is yes, sociable and friendly and yada yada. but the truth is, i may seem to warm up to people very quickly. But to actually be comfortable with someone? it takes me a very long long time. where i'm alright showing you freaky faces and yet still know that you will look at me in the same way. Or showing you the side of me that not many people have seen. or even jogging, exercising, where i look all sweaty and lobster-fied. Truth is, i do care. and that is why i dont usually do sports with people i am not close to. You'd be surprise but think about how long you've known me. (to those who actually know me. lol. ) Ask yourself this question. Have i ever went swimming with you? Or jogging for that matter? or have u ever seen me all sweaty and eeeky and ewwwy?

=)

there u have it.

So yeah. I realize, there are not many people who i can say, I find comfort in and i feel comfortable,whenever i'm around them. Please dont get me wrong. This doesn't mean that i am not close to you or you are any less. I still appreciate and treasure you like i always have. its just that, i realize how long it actually takes me to be fully comfortable with someone. =)

ie : to let someone brush of my fringe that covers my bigggg biggg forhead and yet smile.. without frantically putting my fringe back into position to cover that forhead of mine.

the little little things. =D

just a portion of my thoughts and a little insight of Celineeee Yap. =P

But honestly, the feeling you get, when you can be completely you, without being self conscious when you are with someone who is not a family member. that feeling? it is priceless. it feels sooo good. and i've not been able to feel that way for quite a while. Exceptions of certain people of course. haha.

anywaaaays~! i have a very exciting story to share with you today.
Today, i woke up late for church. Benroy and I usually go for the morning service at 8.30am because we have dance at 1pm. so if we go for the 11am one, we would have to leave early or be late for dance. So, we went for the 11am service today. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?! Pastor Julie started picking a few people from the congregation and asked them to go on stage. And i was one of them. =) guess what happened next?! I was asked to LEAD WORSHIP! :O ! i was totally caught off guard! i was so shocked! i didn't even know what songs they were singing, and when they told me, i only knew the 1st song! *gasp!* the rest of the songs was like.. " HAH? " for me! but the other thing that surprised me.. was the fact that..

You see, i lead worship last time. on a frequent basis in St.Pauls. but i stopped leading for almost half a year now. because i wanted to set things straight with God and to get back on track. and i didn't think it was right for me to lead a congregation when i myself, am lost. so that is why i stopped. but when i shifted church, after a few months, i wanted to start serving again. but this new church, is so big. and there are already so many people serving. i didn't see any opportunity for me to serve and so, i just kept quiet and went to church like the rest. But today, when this happened, I felt as if God was forcing me onto the stage and saying.. " NAH! Go! u were waiting for an opportunity? This is it Kah May. This is It ! It is time, walk through this door that i have just opened for you. take it, and use it well. " My God is truly amazing.

Seek and u shall find. Ask and you shall receive.

I realize how God is always there. He always is.
and when you ask him for opportunities? He will give it to you. But according to His time. and to His will. And like the title of this entry..

Question is, Are you willing?
Are you willing to go for whatever that is in store for you?
are you willing to grab that opportunity when God opens a door for you?
Are you willing?

Many of us ask. But we doubt.
If you yourself dont even believe in what you are asking for, My question to you is..

What then are you expecting?!

So yeah. Back to my story. It was just so amazing how God spoke to me today. it was such a blessing indeed. with totally no practice or anything... I lead my church in worship today. =) Definitely couldn't have done it without God's guidance. All Glory to God! This day, will definitely be a day, i will never forget. The way God spoke to me? one word. Amazing. =')

Also! i have been receiving quite a few early birthday prezzies!
ahhh.. I feel so loved! :)!
Honestly, when people ask me what plans i have for my birthday this year?
i seriously have no clue at all. HAHA. Go to Uni. and come home. =D
we'll see how this week turns out.
NOW. i have to charge up for Criminal Law in a few hours time!
bad bad baaad. sleeping late before criminal law. when will i ever learn?! =P

xoxo.!

Human Nature..

Human nature, something i will never understand..
Why isit that Good things can be so easily erased by a bad thing?
it takes u 1000000000000000 times to earn trust, or good deeds to show ur sincerity..and ur heart.. but just ONE.. just one bad thing, can throw ALL of those 10000000000000 good stuffs, away.

erased. in a matter of seconds.

One person could've been the one helping or taking care of this person throughout..
but so happen, in a time of need, when u cannot be there.. or happen NOT to be there at that moment of need, all of a sudden, u become the person who was never there.

that is so... unfair.
and so painful..

but sadly, thats just how things roll..
and if you are unfortunate.. u get caught, in the very same position or spot, countless of times.

Sighs.

FUN FUN HAPPY!

HELLO WELLO!

my week since friday till today have been SO GOOD! when people ask "how are you?" i realize that after a quite a long time, i can finally actually tell them.. IM DOING GREAT! =D because i have been! i have been so so very blessed in SO MANY WAYS! i have been having such good days.. i've been meeting so many new people! SO MANY GOOD THINGS! =D!

the highlight of my week? i received an early birthday present all the way from Penang! ahhhh~! That has left me with smiles all the way up till now! i dunno about you, but whenever i received things through post, i feel sooooooo verryyyy happy! i actually really love receiving letters and all.. compared to emails, etc. it melts me! serious melting. HAHA. Now u know one of my secrets. =P its so sad that people nowadays hardly appreciates the posting system anymore! even though we are all advancing with technology, sometimes, i like to take a step back, and leave a part of me in the oldies. =P things done, the old school way~! ;) so yeah! i was SUUUPEEER happy about that! Thank you so muccchhhhs Yin Kuen! u made my week la! =)) hahaa..*hugggs!*

and on that very same day, i received a digi top up from i dunno who? someone just reloaded my digi line for me! ahhhh i feel SO BLESSED.

and i've been meeting so many new people recently! and it all started with just a smile! =)! They smile at me, i smile back, then we start talking = NEW FRIENDS! hahahaaa.. so nice la! =D

and there are like SO MANY BIRTHDAYS in october! seriously! i've so many pending birthday parties to attend! and later i'll be going out to celebrate another friend's birthday.. =)

and oh!

NICHOLAS KAM CHING JEE!
my dear dear beloved Didi! Dear foofoo~! even after a year have passed, u are still.. SO FOOFOO! hahaha never changed one bit! haizzz.. =P But anyways! even though i didn't get to spend your birthday with you today, I am glad that yet, for another whole year, u stayed in My Life.. and i just want to Thank God over and over for your existence in my life.. U meant and mean alot to me.. Blessed Birthday Dii! Love you still, as always. =) *HUGSSUPERTIGHT!*

So yeah! as always, October's gonna be a rocking happening month!
SOOOO EXCITEDS! =D!

and tutorials just started. and it was so FUN!

Today is just.. SUCH A FUN AND HAPPY DAY!
And i thank God everyday, for giving me another day of Life in this world.

xoxo.!

Faith and Risks.

Hello dear readers! how did the week go for you? Mine was one, filled with thoughts. I realize how much i've been thinking and thinking and thinking about sooooo many things. Anyways, one of it, is about a blind person crossing the road.

You see, i study in a uni in brickfields and there are alot of blind people walking around everyday. And whenever i see a blind person about to cross the road, i'd always run to help them cross the road. If you dont already know, most of the time, when a blind person is crossing the road.. they'd cross and lift their walking stick in the air.. to make themselves more visible to the cars.. and cross. I dont know about you, but when i see them cross the roads like tht, every step they take, is definitely a step of Faith.

Every step, with the Faith that the cars would see them crossing and that they wont get knock down. Watching them cross the roads with such faith truly inspires me. I really admire such Faith. Why? I realize how people like us, blessed with sight and perfectly normal body functions have such lil faith. In our daily walks of Life. This generation has slowly evolved to one that lives a life of insurance. This generation hardly takes that Leap of Faith. Be it job opportunities, exposure, friendships, relationships, love, studies, you name it! Then i start asking myself these questions, I've perfectly normal sight, i've perfectly normal hands legs..etc. BUT YET! i hesitate alot in taking chances.. in grabbing opportunities.. in striving to achieve my goals and dreams. Why do we doubt ourselves so much? why do I doubt myself when i know that I have a God, whom with all things, are possible? 

The Greatest Risk in Life, Is not taking one at all ! 

So stop staying in that shell of yours. Stop staying in your comfort zone. Because when you try many things, u make many mistakes but the greatest mistake you'll ever make is trying nothing at all! It is time. So go!

Also, i've recently watched "The Stoning of Soraya M. " it was such a sad and brutal movie. But i tried putting myself in their shoes. Us, the so called civilized would think that these men were heart of stones, cold blooded and cruel to treat Us women with such little respect and gratitude. But i guess many of us fail to remember the fact that they weren't as blessed as Us to have been brought up in such a civilized background. To them, stoning may just be another way of punishing someone, like any other death penalty. I am sure that if she were to get a needle stuck into her arm as a death penalty, we wouldn't feel as angry. but what is the difference? aren't they all the same? how isit less cruel? aren't you also taking the Life of another human?

hahaa.. i wont go on. But i was thinking of alot of other things. I guess the part that really broke my heart was the part when her own sons, threw the stones at her. At that very moment, i dont think it was the pain of the stones that made her cry out, But the pain in her Heart. Her own sons, whom she gave birth to, is stoning her for something she didn't do. What can be worse than this for a mother or a parent?! then i started thinking about my parents. thinking about the times i fought back and argued back. Tho, i dont really do that la. =D but still, One of God's commandments is to Obey our Parents. Sighs, u know, nowadays, we're all a generation that speaks our mind and express ourselves, ALOT. So if we think our parents are wrong, We state the fact. Then again, Even if they are wrong, does that give us the right to argue and fight back? This is a super dilemma question for me k. I know, that no matter what, we should always listen to our parents and to always adhere to whatever they say. BUT SOMETIMES ITS JUST SO HARRRDDD!  especially when they are wrongggggg... =S hahaha but last time, if u ever argued back, sure gone case. Nowadays? we get away with it sometimes. And this is quite bad la. i think. hmm.. especially if u abuse it.

So yeah, LOADS of thinking throughout this whole week. Theres alot on my mind. alot of other things and decisions i have to make.

ANYWAYS! i just had an amaaazing day! 

In the morning, i went to Glad Tidings Sri Damansara to carry out a dance workshop! =) 

Alyssa, my uni friend invited me to her church to hold a dance workshop. =)

I had so much fun! =) i always feel very happy when i get to share my passion with others. and my talent that God blessed me with. And in return, i get to bless others too! its a priceless feeling i tell u! 

I went to GTSD today, excited to teach! and to give them a wider view of dance, the way i see dance as. And what dance is, to me. I went there, with no expectations other than to pour out whatever i knew.. =)

But after the workshop, GTSD blessed me with a generous envelope! ahhh.. I felt so touched and blessed when i received it! You guys really shouldn't have. hahaa i hope alyssa helped me thank u guys AGAIN! I had a great time today. =) thank you all for the experience! heee.. so many new friends today. =) AND THEY BOUGHT ME LUNCH! hahaa.. Felt so blessed! =) wanna know the best part? GTSD is actually the first church i ever went to. before i shifted to Bukit Jalil from Sg Buloh, i used to go to GTSD when i was.. 6-7yrs? yup! and it was in GTSD where my family accepted Christ into our lives. =) Its funny how after 12 years, I am back in this church, giving a dance workshop! HAHA! God works in mysterious ways. =D!

At night, or rather just now, i went to Kingdom City for an event which actually required tickets. But when i was at the counter, about to buy mine, the girl said.. " This ticket has already been paid for. So you can just go in. =) " WAH?! am i Blessed or AM I BLESSED?! hahaaa.. so nice lah.. =))))))))

So, Pastor Matt Fielder from Planetshakers was the Speaker of the night !

And there were dance performances and skits as well.

it was so good seeing Him again after 5 years ! 

And dear tey tey was there too! =) She invited me to this event.. =D! i had a very good time rachel! thanks for inviting me! many more events like this to come! and we shall go together in future! =)))

He is such a lovable and funny pastor la. =)

and He hugs people properly one k! hahaa.. when he hugs you, he REALLY hugs you!

dragged lil brother along as well! =) away from his exam stress for a while.. =)

So yeah! it has been, a very very good day.. and i cannot mention enough how BLESSED i am la. i really am. 

Such an Amazing day. =)

xoxo.!