self esteem.

Never thought juggling studies and dance would ever be a problem.

But the bulk of my law subjects?

And the big number of routines that needs to be learned up?

Is starting to overwhelm me.

It's been quite a while since i've ever had self-esteem issues. I was always the one with a very high self-esteem, boosting other people's self-esteem, motivating them. Heck, i even gave a speech on self-esteem at a public speaking competition before and came in champion. But now, i see myself having very low self-esteem. Mainly because of dance.

i've been practicing the routines, learning them up whenever i'm taking a break from the books. When my brain is all drained. But i've come to realize how my pace in picking up steps, adapting, catching, learning, is not as fast as I used to be. To sum it all up, i'm not as sharpened as i used to be and it has only been 2 months since i've danced on a regular basis. Sighs.

Call me a perfectionist.

But i really hate the slightest feeling of being out of touch. Especially when it concerns my passion, dance.

I dont want to let neither my crew nor my teacher down. I want to show Him that he did not pick the wrong person  to do the Job. Being the person I am, I know i'd be practicing 24/7 to perfect every move the minute my last paper ends. But it would be impossible for me to learn them all up after my exams. It's just too short of a time. Hence, me learning up the routines now. Though, i cannot say my exam isn't as important. I'm paying for it and boy is it expensive. 

When I practice, i can't seem to get the moves right. I suddenly feel like a newbie, learning dance for the very first time. I feel like a clown or a joke. Yes, that is how bad i feel. Especially when everyone around is having such high expectations of me, including myself. "You're supposed to be a pro! " And there goes.. another arrow shooting right into my heart.. or rather, my self-esteem. My mind is just so occupied with all the authorities,cases,principles,statutes that i can't seem to coordinate my body,hands and feet in the proper direction. When i carry out the moves, i look so crappy. GAAAH! AND U HAVE NO IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS! 

It's difficult enough that i have to practice alone and I cannot practice with my crew. Sighs. Here I am, once again, in one of the lowest point of my life. When i suddenly feel that I am good at nothing.