Monday, April 30, 2012

self esteem.

Never thought juggling studies and dance would ever be a problem.
But the bulk of my law subjects?
And the big number of routines that needs to be learned up?
Is starting to overwhelm me.

It's been quite a while since i've ever had self-esteem issues. I was always the one with a very high self-esteem, boosting other people's self-esteem, motivating them. Heck, i even gave a speech on self-esteem at a public speaking competition before and came in champion. But now, i see myself having very low self-esteem. Mainly because of dance.

i've been practicing the routines, learning them up whenever i'm taking a break from the books. When my brain is all drained. But i've come to realize how my pace in picking up steps, adapting, catching, learning, is not as fast as I used to be. To sum it all up, i'm not as sharpened as i used to be and it has only been 2 months since i've danced on a regular basis. Sighs.

Call me a perfectionist.
But i really hate the slightest feeling of being out of touch. Especially when it concerns my passion, dance.
I dont want to let neither my crew nor my teacher down. I want to show Him that he did not pick the wrong person  to do the Job. Being the person I am, I know i'd be practicing 24/7 to perfect every move the minute my last paper ends. But it would be impossible for me to learn them all up after my exams. It's just too short of a time. Hence, me learning up the routines now. Though, i cannot say my exam isn't as important. I'm paying for it and boy is it expensive. 

When I practice, i can't seem to get the moves right. I suddenly feel like a newbie, learning dance for the very first time. I feel like a clown or a joke. Yes, that is how bad i feel. Especially when everyone around is having such high expectations of me, including myself. "You're supposed to be a pro! " And there goes.. another arrow shooting right into my heart.. or rather, my self-esteem. My mind is just so occupied with all the authorities,cases,principles,statutes that i can't seem to coordinate my body,hands and feet in the proper direction. When i carry out the moves, i look so crappy. GAAAH! AND U HAVE NO IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS! 

It's difficult enough that i have to practice alone and I cannot practice with my crew. Sighs. Here I am, once again, in one of the lowest point of my life. When i suddenly feel that I am good at nothing. 


  1. Worry & self-destructive thoughts come from the devil.

    God says He will give you the desires of your heart if you put first His kingdom.
    Your strength is in the Lord. Not in yourself or what people say about you.
    It will never change. You will forever be a miracle maker.

    You can do it, girl. Remember that when you feel down, look up.
    He believes in you & so do I.

  2. =') thank you for your words of encouragement Jarod..

    true that.. worry and self-destructive thoughts is indeed from the devil..

    thanks for the important reminder.. =) I am better now and back on track!