Life at Its Present.

So how has life been after all the crazy training and practices and juggling came to an end?

Honestly, It has been a whole week of bumming.
I guess i hardly got enough rest the past month till this week, when i tried to "repay" my debts of sleep, *which obviously does not work most of the time* i found myself being even more tired. haha. gosssh. I am honestly still trying to find a proper time and place to do my notes and to study because Home? doesn't seem like a very good idea at the moment.

Anyways, that's not what i really wanted to blog about anyways.

So on Friday, we had 7 new people in cf! yayyy! *claps hand~!* This lawyer, a friend of Peter's came to share. At first, i felt like mmm okay.. nothing that i dont already know.. mmhmm yes yes mmhmm.. AND THEN, i suddenly saw whatever he was talking about, relating to myself.

He gave this example. How lets say, this person 'A', decides, alright! i'm gonna fast and pray over the week from sunday up till monday! so on the first 3 days, you'd go on fasting, without having any expectations.. and then by friday, you'd be expecting at least a lil something good to happen in your life. at this point, i thought, " neh, i wouldn't think so. " Then he went on, why friday? because for the first 3 days, you'd think, oh Lord i am such a sinner, oh lord, i am not good enough, i am not 'holy' enough to receive any good things from you, etc. but by friday, you'd somehow have the mindset that, "Mmm..i think i am better and more 'holy' compared to me, on Sunday. " and slowly, you'd start to feel, since that now i am sort of 'closer' to God because i've been spending time with him the whole week, i think i am more deserving now of whatever blessings he has in store for me. * also by this point, i was like, nah, i know better than to think in such a manner. *

Then he continued. We humans somehow tend to think that we have to EARN whatever blessings that we get from God. that oh, when i spend more time with God, i'll be more deserving compared to me going on facebook all the time. We'd think, Hey God, i'm good now. i've changed and i've been good all this while, i've been reading your word, etc etc. And deny all you may, but somewhere deep inside of you, you'd feel.. " Now.. yes now i think i at least deserve it. " And suddenly, this all started relating to me.

You see, when i was in form 4 and form 5, whenever friends went on class trips to genting, port dickson etc, i'd always decline them and say, wait, wait till after our spm results come out, and if i do well, i think i'd have a higher chance of joining you guys. So FINALLY! after all my waiting, results came out and i got 7As and 3Bs. i thought to myself, it's pretty alright i guess. Parents should be alright with my results.Nothing to be proud of but at least its average i guess, i think they'd let me go on the upcoming genting trip *something i've always wanted to do with my classmates/friends* But what happened then? Up till today, i still dont understand why, but after results came out, they didn't say they weren't please but for dont know what reasons, they became more strict with me going out and all. i could hardly go out after SPM and obviously, the trip was an impossible mission. I was so puzzled. i remember once, i got so upset and mad till i kept asking myself.. " WHATS THE DIFFERENCE?! BEING A GOOD GIRL AND BEING A REBELLION CHILD? You still have such a tight rein on me, even when i have nothing left to study for the moment, you wouldn't let me out. So whats the difference?! haven't i been good enough to have earned your trust to go out on trips with my friends? haven't i waited patiently till all my priorities and obligations for secondary school have been fulfilled to actually go up to you, think that Hey, if they're pleased, i should be able to go! =D! Might as well be a rebel and do whatever i want and live the life i want rather than be a good girl and STILL get tied down like this. "

And heh.. i remember once when i wanted to have a boyfriend but parents always gave me the " graduate first " excuse. same thing, i went " Haven't i been good enough to show you that i know what my priorities are? have you not known me long enough to trust that i would be able to keep up my grades? Because i honestly dont think me having a bf would actually affect my studies.."

Yes yes a few of my honest feelings and thoughts.. stuffs that i've never said out before.

So back to that lawyer guy, wasn't whatever he said exactly the same like what i've experienced before? "I always had the, I'm such a good girl, what more do you want from me?" thought. I always felt that they should trust me more and give me more freedom etc etc JUST BECAUSE.. i have been good.

Friends let me tell you this, Unlike humans, God's love does not decrease with bad behaviour nor does it increase with Good behaviour. It is by Grace and not by works. NO ONE, is ever worthy of His love, of Jesus, dying on the cross for all of our sins. Who are we but mere dust that the son of God should go through all these suffering and pain?

It is by Grace. You can never Earn his forgiveness, his love, his salvation. It is given freely, but it didn't come cheap. We were spared, at the expense of Jesus Christ, being tortured, discriminated, put down, pierced, you name it.

So what do you actually expect from your parents when you are being so called.. "the ideal" daughter or son? What do you expect from your parents when you get good results ? Money? Gifts? rewards? for what? Who are you studying for? Your parents? Oh surely not. What do they gain besides bragging rights, really? It is all for yourself, your future. And when you are at your best behaviour, Isn't that how all children should be? *sadly, the word Should, should be emphasized* Obedient, respectful, regardless of who is right and who is wrong, discipline, having their priorities right, fulfilling your responsibilities as a child, a student.

And what is this idea of " I am older now, You should leave me to do whatever i want, i make my own choices and decisions now, you should not talk to me as if i were a child still, You should give me the respect a young adult should get, you should listen to whatever i have to say.. etc"

To a certain extent, indeed as we grow older, we no longer like to be treated like a child. Common stuffs.

Then again, does it mean that you should gain a higher level of respect just because you are older? that you can just speak rudely to them just because you are, 'older'? Haha, dont forget, as YOU get older, so do they! You can view this anyway you want to. But from a personal point of view, No matter how old you are, you are STILL, their child and they are STILL your parents. And thus, whether they are right or wrong, they are STILL your parents. Like how they put it, "customers are always right, your boss is always right" I feel that, yes, although as we get older, we would most definitely like to gain a higher level or respect, but that is something not for you to ask for. Do you have to respect your parents? YES! without a question! Because you are, you ARE, their child. BUT! whether or not your parents want to give you the respect you think you deserve is and will always be totally up to them! Of course, how parents treat their kids would always reflect in how their kids treat them in return but since when equality existed between a parent and a child? You want equality between male and female? fine. Go ahead, to a certain extent. But something this generation has gone overboard with? equality amongst Parents and Children. Like i've said before, some things are better left untouched. Equality between a parent and a child would cause chaos man! Imagine YOUR KID having the beef to tell you that " hey you! you, me? we're no different! I can do whatever you do, treat you however you treat me, etc. " No different your head lah. Goodness sake..and then these people always give the lame excuse, Oh my dad act like that so ok la, i have all the rights to act like that. =.=.. so what? he jump you jump ah? Zzzzzz. I'm pretty sure you have a brain of your own to think better than that.

 It is good in certain ways that kids nowadays are learning to speak up for their rights etc. Though, i really disagree to the idea of teens nowadays constantly arguing and fighting with their parents and being all rude to them.

This is really hard and this is something I, myself, is still trying to incorporate but sometimes, even though you are right, you dont have to prove or show that you are right.

does that make sense?

regardless of whatever the matter is, They will always always be your parents. I'm pretty sure that when you have your own kids someday, you'd like your kid to respect you all the way until your last breath regardless of their age or their status in life. No?

Likewise, no matter how old you are, dont forget that they are the ones who fed you.
Of course, this does not apply to every family or child. You may have your own personal set of issues in your family or with your parents. Nevertheless, your parents, will always be your parents. Your parents, would be the reason why your in this world and that is something you can never run away from. Your parents dont owe you anything. All these gifts and rewards are something that the world has injected into the minds of children that this is what parents OUGHT to do.

And oh, to all you kids,teenagers,young adults out there? As long as you're living under their roof, their support.. ALL THE MORE.. do they have a say in whatever plans you have or whatever choices or decisions you make. Wah.. really ah.. belum cari makan sudah nak cakap besar.What is this lah..come on present generation, i know we are better than that.

Of course, you can't fully and totally put the blame on the kids because some parents are just really too much lah..when the kids try, instead of encouraging, you put them down with sarcasm and hurtful words but haihs my friends, every family and trust me when i say this, every family have their own set of problems and issues okay..? and so, even though sometimes it may be the toughest thing to do, even though you know, i am damn right, RIGHT..and you know it! We humans will always have something called pride and ego. So just.. just let it go lah okay? and let someone bigger than us, God, deal with them okay? As long as they are on earth, they will always be your parents and you will always be their child and they will always have an authority over you and that is something you cannot change and something you should try to abide by k??

So whatever was shared yesterday really hit me and change my perception of a few things. I wont deny how i always have the " I have been so good! whyy?!!! " saying. So this hit me real hard. I also won't deny that deep down inside of me, i honestly do feel like my parents sometimes owe me this and that and that. But truth be told, They do not owe me anything at all. They dont have to do anything more than to feed me and keep me alive. So i guess all the love and smiles and cares that we get every now and then should be grasped, treasured, appreciated because it's like a bonussss~ hahaaa..yes friends, NEWSFLASH~~~~! so to all of you out there who have been constantly showered with gifts, constantly given a place to stay even though you have been such a pain in the ass and yet, they still pay few tens of thousands just to put you through college, go and give them a hug and a kiss now and start realizing how bless you are. Stop being such a brat and take all of these for granted okay. I'm sorry, was "brat" abit harsh? =P sometimes i just have to say it lah. it is no defamation when you are telling nothing, but the truth. So if you don't wanna be labelled as a brat,spoilt etc, then stop acting like one okay?

God didn't have to send his son to die on the cross for our sins, to take our place, to redeem and justify us by His blood, but he did anyway.

Our parents dont have to celebrate birthdays for us, bring us out for nice meals, buy you presents, drive you around, give you extra money for entertainment, but they did anyway.

enough said. =)
sorry if anyone was offended.
Sometimes honesty and the cold hard truth is the only way to get through to people.

Love love love.
xoxo.!