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| I want a silent hug so badly. |
Things have been so difficult for me lately. So many things. And i am really trying my best not to complain. Not to explode. Not to be lead by my feelings. Not to mistreat others just because I feel so and so. But it is just.. SO DIFFICULT!
='( sighs.
it is so frustrating.
it is so stressful.
it is so hard.
Sometimes, the things i do for some people, so ridiculous, but yet, i still did it even though it caused me alot of hardship. One side of me will start complaining like crazy and label my action as dumb,silly,ridiculous, etc. You name it. And the other side of me will ask me to just tahan and to just do it. Buat saja. buat saja. But the other side of me will be in rage.. and it is so stressful! It is like a battle between what my heart wants and what my brain is trying to do.
gaaah!
I have alot of responsibilities. I am depended on, by alot of people. And my attention and help is demanded by many. Sometimes, i get so overwhelm by it, i find myself doing something just because i have to and not because i want to. And i really dont like it. Because then, my actions would be insincere. At the start of 2012, i came into the new year with a goal and i am still trying my best to stick to this goal. I know it is not wrong to sometimes give in to what i want and to what my heart wants and does not want. But sometimes, i have to put the needs of others before my wants. At least, that is what i am trying to do.
When God changes me, He's got more than just me on His mind.
So not everything is about me.
='( sighs.
it is so frustrating.
it is so stressful.
it is so hard.
Sometimes, the things i do for some people, so ridiculous, but yet, i still did it even though it caused me alot of hardship. One side of me will start complaining like crazy and label my action as dumb,silly,ridiculous, etc. You name it. And the other side of me will ask me to just tahan and to just do it. Buat saja. buat saja. But the other side of me will be in rage.. and it is so stressful! It is like a battle between what my heart wants and what my brain is trying to do.
gaaah!
I have alot of responsibilities. I am depended on, by alot of people. And my attention and help is demanded by many. Sometimes, i get so overwhelm by it, i find myself doing something just because i have to and not because i want to. And i really dont like it. Because then, my actions would be insincere. At the start of 2012, i came into the new year with a goal and i am still trying my best to stick to this goal. I know it is not wrong to sometimes give in to what i want and to what my heart wants and does not want. But sometimes, i have to put the needs of others before my wants. At least, that is what i am trying to do.
When God changes me, He's got more than just me on His mind.
So not everything is about me.
but sometimes my selfish heart desires gets the better of me.
It is also so hard when the people around you dont know what you're going through. the things they ask you, the questions they ask you only amplifies the pain that is already there, struggling to heal.
but its not their fault tho, they dont know what you're going through.I just feel so..
sighs, i dont even know how to describe what i'm feeling.
Life isn't perfect. You're not the only one who is feeling this way. I don't want to sound mean, but you just have to tell yourself to move on. Cos life isn't going to be waiting for you at the end of the day.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Love you dear.
Thanks dear, i know.. just needed to let it out.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Celine Yap,
ReplyDeleteas a reader of your blog i'm always encouraged by your posts and still am.
I am glad you are aware of your responsibilities and the attention required of your loved ones, cz those are the attributes of maturity.
You have that kind heart of remembering other's feelings and not mistreat people despite your down's.
But what disappoints me is that you let yourself fall into false thoughts that even YOU yourself know you shouldn't be doing so.
It's okay to complain, everyone does. Even the greatest of people. but as you do, remember it is not for yourself nor for other's sake you do it. Because you acknowledge that your heart is right before God and you offer it to Him. The condition of serving is putting other's needs before ours. Yes, petty it may seem. But you'll never know the slightest thing you do, like a simple "hi" or "how r u" could safe someone's life or have gave them another reason to live, or to know of Christ cz you JUST don't know what are they going through. It is so easy for me to say it, I have my share of broken relationships. Not as much as i experience rejection before. How unfair, right? Unless i am a robot, it wouldn't feel one bit painful. But when people hinted of committing suicide or doing silly things at 5 in the morning cz of their broken relationship, i can't shove them off cz it's petty to me. I had to endure it and wake up to go to work the next morning. Because i can't forgive myself by any chance if it was true.
You are right, When God changes you, He's got more than just you in His mind.
Because you know so many people depend on you so much, You are entrusted this task.
"Not everything is about you"? But i assure you, Celine.. Everything is for the BEST of you. I'm don't wanna sound as if i know you that well. Ever since u came back from penang, your all so emotional and vulnerable. i do feel bad and sympathy for you. God will never ever give you something you can't handle and i wasn't referring about those responsibilities. Don't be too sure no one out there doesn't know what you're going through.
If it was really good for you, it would not have caused you this emotional torture. People ask of your well being not with intention to pour salt to the wound but know it's the least they could offer their love even they know it doesn't help much. Stop shoving friends that matter and are sincere.
Yes, your friend up there is right: You're not the only one who feels this way. infact 90% of youths these days goes through emotional breakdowns n depressions. And remember this "But take heart, I have overcome the world"
I really don't know what your feelings. Clearly, even yourself don't. I only know that every second you spend dwelling this way, is gonna do you more harm than good. And friend, i'm writing this because prayer without action is dead.
*Virtual hugs aren't as good as real hugs
Hi, Anonymous.
DeleteThanks for reading my blog. Glad that it encourages you in certain ways..
I'm sorry but i actually feel rather confused reading your comment.. =/
"But what disappoints me is that you let yourself fall into false thoughts that even YOU yourself know you shouldn't be doing so. "
-what false thoughts are you referring to?
I dont regard people who come to me as Petty though. In fact, i am truly honored because they thought of me when they needed a friend to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, and that is, for me, an honor. I would too, stay up or even not sleep just to make sure a friend is alright.. :) Because i am someone who values friendship a lot.
"God will never ever give you something you can't handle and i wasn't referring about those responsibilities. "
- what are you referring to?
"If it was really good for you, it would not have caused you this emotional torture."
- What is ' it ' ?
"People ask of your well being not with intention to pour salt to the wound but know it's the least they could offer their love even they know it doesn't help much. Stop shoving friends that matter and are sincere. "
- I think you've misunderstood the part when i said it is difficult where no one around understands my situation and ask certain questions abt certain things , etc etc. Not everything is meant to be shared with everyone. Some things are only meant for certain people's knowledge and ears to hear.
These 'people' who i referred to are people who are not close to me at all and they ask questions that doesn't have anything to do with what i'm going through etc,etc. It is just a coincidence on how a particular topic always seem to come up.
I dont shove friends that matter and are sincere. In fact, i keep them real close because friends like that are hard to come by these days..
I know i am not the only one going through such a phase but I am also one of the many who sometimes need to pour it all out, somewhere. I know what i'm feeling but i sometimes find it hard to admit what i'm feeling, even to myself. I guess we all have our moments.
And i am in mine at the moment..
Thanks for the comment anonymous. Thanks for reading. Sorry for all the questions. I just felt really confused reading your comment and i tried really hard to understand what you're trying to get through to me but i just dont seem to understand.
Hello! Another anonymous silent reader here. :)
ReplyDeleteAh i totally understand. I write when I'm down too.
Just want to encourage you back. :)
When i am down, i normally go back to God's word.
Sometimes even close friends or peoples encouragements cannot do anything to change things.
But, it's amazing how just one verse can always make me smile again and somehow it'll just give me the strength to continue holding on.
This is one of my favorite,
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
— Romans 8:28
He said ALL things. Things may be difficult, bad, horrible, and ugly now.. But hang on to that hope Celine, that ALL things work together for good. Brace yourself, you'll see the good coming soon! :)
Hi anonymous. Thanks for reading. :)
Deletethanks for the good reminder.. I always try to remind myself to slip away to God, to Jesus, when I am in my darkest moments instead of relying on the things of the world to cheer me up somehow. But I tend to forget.
thanks for the great reminder!
What I can see is Him preparing you for something big. Something you will never expect.
ReplyDeleteStill, it's up to you whether you choose to accept this burden. Remember, His yoke is light.
True that. I know He is really moving in my life and many unexpected series of events have taken place and will take place.
Deletesometimes I feel so honoured that I am being entrusted with so many important tasks but sometimes I question them.