Saturday, May 04, 2013

Breaking Point.

Hi all.

8 Days till my first paper for Year 2 Finals.

I am so overwhelmed by stress right now, to the point of breaking down.
I don't know how i managed to survive last year. I really don't.

I had 14 sets of dance routines on my mind coz of the Genting Performance right after exams, i was sick, and i had finals for Year 1. I had public law, my greatest hurdle for Year 1. Did that whilst having fever, popping panadols and yet, scored the highest for that subject among my other subs.

But this year..

things are just so uncertain.
Everything feels heavier, bulkier, time feels shorter, yet the load isn't getting any lighter.
8 Days till my exams and I still feel so wobbly.

I admit, that It is really difficult for me to accept the fact that I can't have my shit together every second of everyday.

I can't accept the fact that sometimes, you just don't have it all in the grasp of your hands.

All my Life, i have worked hard at everything i set my mind to do, everything i commit myself into. I have worked hard, tried my best and have never failed.
Well, academically speaking, i've failed addmaths before. First academic failure in 10 years of education.

But i felt HORRIBLE. and so worked like crazy and pushed my grades from a FAIL.. to an A.

And so, it has always been a part of my personality to work hard in everything I do and to try my best to do well. But this time...

It has never been so hard before..
It has never been THIS hard before.

8 days till my exams and i am still having 7 hours classes until the 8th of May.
Then, it would be 4 Days away from my Evidence paper.

Also, i tried printing out my Admission Notice for the exams just now and guess what? The file is corrupted etc and so i can't print it out. i tried two different computers and yet to no avail, still corrupted. I felt so frustrated.. i felt so angry and stressed out. " 8 days left and you are wasting 3 hours of your time just to print out a bloody admission notice?!!!!!"
I felt so overwhelmed, i cried.
And i have no one to talk to tonight..Am home alone tonight. No one is home coz family headed to JB for election day tomorrow. To vote.

I thought to myself..

"What is the point of Life, if you're not enjoying Life? "

What is the point of living if I am going to continue living my life like this?

What have I done to myself?

I am 20 going on 21 and I already have a RM32,000 debt.
I have paid RM32,000 to suffer like this.

What have I done to myself?

Why am I living my life like this?

Why did i sign up for Law School?

I keep trying to tell myself that the worse thing that could possibly happen would be for me to Fail my Year 2. Maybe 1 or 2 papers. And then i'd have to resit.


But it is easier said.. easier thought..
I am on the PTPTN loan. I simply CANNOT AFFORD to fail.
If I fail, my ptptn loan will be ceased. What am i going to do then?
I can't afford Law school?
Every shot i get, every chance i get, it is my LAST AND ONLY CHANCE.
Miss it, and it's gone.

Now, can you understand the immense stress that I am feeling?
Maybe not.

What am i going to do?

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