Hello !

Hello, everybodyyy~!

So, how has things been?

First things first, I've got my CLP results and guess what?! :D

I passed and got a 2:2 for CLP , which I am very pleased with. Haha. Honestly, I didn't really care aiming for a second upper or a first class because with CLP? All you wanna do is just pass man. So the fact that i got a 2:2 actually makes me happy. hahah.

Nobody got  a first class, i think about 9 people got a second upper and the remaining got second class lower and third class.
Out of the 1000 plus candidates that took the exams this year, only about 220 people passed at the first go? So yeah, that's how tough CLP really is. :S

But Praise God that i only had to go through this once and not twice or thrice!

So whats next?

Well, I'm happy to say that I got a chambering position with one of the 4 biggest firms in KL and so far so good! =)

Of course, if my working hours were 8-5.30 kinda thing, that would be awesome. Provides a balance and all. But yeah, i guess i kinda expected and prepared myself for crazy working hours. But so far so good. I've not had to stay back in the office until 2am/3am. So i guess u can say life is good.... so far.

Honestly, if you ask me if this is what i want to do for the next 10 years of my life, I can't really give you a definite answer. I guess i'm currently in that phase where i'm just really trying to find out what I really want in life? I'm exploring and don't intend to narrow down my options just yet. But I for sure am not the kind that would stick to something i don't like just because i got a degree in Law.

Practice is just really not for everyone. It really isn't. And so, i guess you could say that i'm on a mission to find out if practice is for me. =)

When i went to court with the senior partners in my firm and observed what they were doing and how they had to do it, I questioned myself if i could see myself there, one day, before the judge, doing whatever they are doing. Honestly? I didn't have an immediate answer to that question. But i guess i'll take this 9 months of pupillage to figure that out. =)

On a side note, it's been really hard for me to actually feel like I have a life outside of work apart from my weekends, but i guess this is what its like in the working world! haha. Now i finally understand how precious weekends are. Because honestly? after coming back from work, i just feel like taking a shower and sleeping. Don't really have the time for anything else and definitely, don't have the energy to do anything else.

I did try to keep up with my normal workout routines after work for the first few weeks, but man, i wake up so tired the next day! Also, it's been crazy how i've been going to bed at like 10/11pm. I used to be this serious night owl! I sleep in the wee hours and all. But now, having to wake up at 6am every morning just doesn't give me that luxury of sleeping late anymore. I guess this is a good thing. Because i've struggled to even sleep by 12am every night for the past few years. But now i'm sleeping at 10/11pm. :O So yays! =D

The best friend is here, back from the UK for two months i think. And it's been great having her around and not having to wait 8 hours for her to reply my messages due to the different time zones. Actually made the effort to bring her out on a weekday night and whoah man! Although it was tiring, it actually felt pretty good! Because it makes me feel like i have a life outside of work. But at the same time it was way too tiring. haha.. sighs.

All in all, I'm still trying to let it sink in that I am officially out of my student life and have officially stepped into the legal profession! Because i still feel weird when people refer to my chambee mates as my colleagues. haha. Because i still feel as though i'm learning, which I am. Because pupillage is like a final lap before becoming a qualified lawyer where we learn the practical side of things and do things hands on. So yeah, you really never stop learning.

Haha, my post was so all over the place.
But who cares right? It IS my blog after all. I can be as messy as i wanna be. =P

I have soooooo many thoughts that i'd like to 'pen' down. But i guess i'll save that for another time. I hope to start blogging more often again. If i have the time.. that is. =)

Till next time!
xoxo.!

Sacrifices.

Hello world,

So here I am, awaiting the results of the CLP examinations to come out..
At the end of my student life and just really trying to figure out " Where do i go from here?"
I've been such a terrible blog keeper.. but then again, I don't blame myself.. CLP was a crazy and tough journey.. But that's a story for another day..

I'm here today to blog about the sacrifices that I have made in order to prioritize my studies.. Sadly, dance was one of em. & now i am feeling the painful after effects of doing so..

I used to dance at least once every week for a few years in a row.. until I got so busy with my studies that I could no longer afford the luxury of doing so anymore.. =( And everytime i was in the midst of revision, i'd see all my other dance mates perform here and there, go for competitions and basically grow and bloom from where they once were. I always feel so crappy after exams because i feel all rusty and all noobie once again. Sighs.... i really hate that feeling so much.....

The feeling of everyone else moving forward... except you.
Everyone growing and getting better... except you.
In fact, i felt like i was moving backwards... from the intense training i used to go through every week to occasional performances here and there.. and especially when it was just commercial performances but not something technical like the ones i used to do when i went for competitions etc.. Sighs...

Inevitably, i've become rusty. I've lost my touch. My groove. I'm not as sharp as i used to be. I don't dance as clean as i used to.. I feel like i'm just back at square one and sometimes, i feel like i'm even further back than square one. Sighs. I really hate the feeling of starting over all over again.. especially when dance is concerned. Because it's something that I love so much. But then whenever i get upset about my current position as a dancer, people always tell me that I have to move on, it's time to grow up, your career in the future won't allow you to have time for this anyway.....

But they don't understand that dance was that one place that I could escape and just be free.. to do something i love, just because i love it.

But it sucks watching your old videos, looking at how good you once were and how rusty you are now.. I don't really know how to explain the feeling.. but it's definitely one that i detest the most. =( For other things like getting my stamina back, getting fit and toned again after all the flabby months of revision and exams, that... I can handle. But not for dance.....

It's so painful to dance now, look at yourself in the mirror and feel like.. Gosh.. I suck now. T_T ='( Super sad can? Sighs.......

And this is probably the worse i've felt because final year and clp were the two years that i've really sacrificed my training for dance.. my practices.. I only did occasional easy performances here and there and that didn't really keep me in check. So i've not practiced seriously for two years plus now.. the longest i've stayed away from dance.. and it's so painful to be where I am now.. Sighs... ='(

Of course, I aim to get back my groove and all in the time that i have while awaiting my results before i step into the working world.. for real. I wanna do as many dance videos as I can in this one month that I have left and of course, try my best to improve in each video..

But then yeah lah.. I just hate starting all over again. It's so painful. =(((

Le sigh.

Life. & the sacrifices that comes with the choices that you make... and the consequences that follows after.


*cries a river*

Happy, right where I am.

I'm currently in preparation for my final exam in my student life. (yes! the last exam sitting, ever! *hopefully* ) And yes, i know that many of you are confused as to why i'm still sitting for yet another exam even after i've graduated. haha.

Just to clarify, i'm currently preparing myself for a professional paper that i will be sitting for in July before I chamber with a law firm. So yes! My final exam before going out into the big-bad-world. Haha.

For the past 4 years, i've always been slogging at least 4-6 months before every exam during my degree. My course was such that I only had to sit for one exam at the end of every year. So I would usually commence my infamous "isolation from the world" period 6 months before my exam. During that time, I'd make sure I sleep enough hours because whats the point of studying so much but falling sick on the day of the exam, right? But what I always forsake during these periods was my fitness as well as making the effort to eat healthy. Time was never a luxury that i could afford and so i would always just eat anything that was quick,easy and fast. And we all know how its just terribly difficult and expensive to eat healthy when you're constantly away from home, stuck in the library.

I had terrible eating habits during these periods and to make things worse, i forego exercising as well. Because every second and minute was way too precious. So after my exams, every single year for the past 4 years, I always hated how i felt and look. I would've gained a few kgs and become all flabby. I hated how my stamina would drop so low and how I had to work hard for at least a few months to get back into shape. I hated feeling as such, every single time I was done with exams and I told myself, this year, I would not allow myself to feel like that again.

So although the up coming exam is terribly difficult and tough, although it is only less than 3 months away, I've been making a conscious effort to eat healthily - No fast food, processed food, etc. I've also been working out every single day, making a conscious effort to sleep earlier and get at least 7 hours of sleep every night but at the same time, keep up with my studies.

It's not easy. In fact, it has been quite a challenge to wake up really early so that I can exercise before leaving the house for the library or for a whole day of class, planning the night before what to eat, and at the same time, study and all. But it's worth it and I know it will be especially worth it when I am finally done with my exams, but still toned, fit and healthy.

Because all the money in the world cannot give me back the hours of sleep that i have lost or my health. Hence, all the conscious effort to not repeat what I've been doing for the past 4 years. 

And guess what?

I've never felt better! Although exams are drawing nearer, and time is of the essence, the pressure and stress is setting in, but doing all of this, is making me happy despite all the stress. Although the exam is a pretty big part of my life, it is JUST an exam and there is just way much more to life than an exam sitting. So yeah! I've made a choice to LIVE LIFE and to do what makes me happy. =) I feel so much more healthy, happy and I hope that I get to carry this with me until after my exams. =D

till next time!

xoxo.!

Stuck in Between.

Sighs. My whole life, i've always been the middle person for almost every drama that passes by me. I hate it. I really do. Getting stuck in between the raging wars of two parties. Hah! what a joke. Just thought about how Lawyer's do that for a living.

But it sucks i tell you.
Especially when i'm neutral with both parties.

I really hate cleaning up other people's mess for them.
I have better things to do.
More things to care about than to get stuck in the middle of such wars.
It's so stressful.. I can't have a normal day when I myself am trying to recover from a terrible past few weeks. Sighs. And worse of all?

You somehow or rather end up being the bad person for preposterous reasons.
Mans. U have no idea how hard I am trying not to let all of this affect me.
And to actually have a normal happy day.

*BIG SIGH*

And when all you've done is help, somehow or rather you get taken for granted, unappreciated and worse still, shouted at.

I'm done.

I don't deserve any of this.
Not the slightest bit.

I think it's time to start making a conscious effort to just... Not Care.

pfft.

Time to start writing again.

Hello world,

I have been so busy living life that I've forgotten the joy i found in 'penning' down my deepest feelings and thoughts.

A whole lot of change has happened over time and I have definitely change as a person, if not entirely. A tonne of opportunities have come knocking at my door step and so have a tonne of challenges that i've had to face both physically and emotionally.

You see, I've always been this busy bee ever since time immemorial. Somehow, i've always found myself swamped in a tonne of responsibilities and activities. "She's defo an extrovert who needs to be busy all the time." But maybe not. Being completely overwhelmed sometimes, or almost always, most often than not leads me to become this anti-social person that really just need some 'alone-time'. Yes, surprise surprise, I have my anti-social moments as well. Be fooled not by the cover of my book.

That's why it's all the more.. precious? when i actually take the time and effort to catch up with a friend or ask them out for a catch up session. Despite me feeling anti-social and needing all the 'alone-time' that i can get, i choose to spend it on these handful of people. Hence why it's very disappointing or upsetting when they don't take my time seriously or do not make that effort to even try to catch up with me.

It's tough, keeping a friendship alive.. it really is.. Especially when everyone is just scattered all around. That's why tht effort has to be there and if it isn't then it just gets really exhausting..doing things one sided. But anyways, such is life and sometimes when friendships are lost I can tell myself "Oh well.. that's just a shame" but it doesn't change the fact tht i would definitely feel sad that things had to end. But then again, i'll get over this after a while.

Similarly with people judging me. I always tell myself, u know what, heck care what others think about you, as long as you like you, let them like you for you. But then it's most often easier said than done. It's tough not getting upset about the mean things people say about you sometimes..it really is..

Recently i've become more active in the commercial dance scene and I usually only accept hiphop dance gigs or styles that are in my comfort zone. But in December last year, i accepted a more 'girly-girl' gig tht would require me to dance in high heels and fancy gatsby burlesque kinda outfits. I was superrrr nervous about it because it was definitely something out of my comfort zone. It was my first time dancing in high heels! I've always been dancing in shoes all the way. haha. So yeah, it was nerve wrecking. And to make things worse, in this scene, people usually expect you to have a bikini body and if not, be skinny in order to fit the costumes that were tailored for super models. *big sigh* So there were times when I was at my lowest, feeling extremely down for having a bigger butt and chest which made the costumes too tight to dance in. It was a major self-esteem buster. I felt like, my gosh, u expect us to dance in these things? And if it was already tight for the skinny girls, what more for me? It was a tough moment for me.. a really tough time.. making me feel that i shouldn't accept these kinda shows in the future. Because it wasn't worth feeling that way. Feeling like I had to be of a certain body weight and size in order to fit in. So dancing really well isn't good enough. You had to have a bikini body too. So that really sucked and i dreaded being in the scene. I don't like being skinny and I love having boobs and ass. I'm proud of it. =P But it's just too bad that the world today perceives skinny as beautiful.

So likewise, it was easy for me to say, screw these tailored made costumes for super models. It's ridiculous! But it doesn't change the fact that it was a major self-esteem buster. And so whenever people make comments like, 'You're so smart and pretty.. you should also slim down abit more to be that perfect package..'

I mean come on guys! Who says stuffs like that?! I ain't your property, you ain't my manager, so leave me alone! My goodness. Some people have the lowest EQ of all times. Say brainless things without thinking about it first. I mean, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if i want to work out to be fit, that's my problem! So leave me be. Seriously. I'm so fed up of people judging me all the time, putting all these obscure standards of that which i should meet. The truth is, you can never please the world. So i definitely don't plan on giving two hoots about what you think i should be.

I will be whatever I WANT to be.
So if you have nothing nice to say, please, keep your opinions and comments to yourself. Because despite how strong and tough I can be, I too am human and I have feelings as well. Geez.

SIGH.
So yeah, that's just a portion of the things i've been going through inside. I don't often talk about it.. and i mostly just try to struggle through this battle within, alone. Ever since young, i've always taken all of these negative comments and opinions about me and use it as a motivation to PROVE EM' WRONG !!! But at times, I do have my vulnerable moments where my feelings just overwhelm me and then i start to feel upset and hurt about all that has been said and done. And I guess I am going through that moment right now.. but i've decided to blog about it this time.. Hopefully, i'll feel better..somehow.

Till next time.
xoxo.